Resolutions...

Happy New Years Eve!

I've made the dip, I've visited my parents, and now I'm ready to wish this year away.

Another trip around the sun has been completed. Another even year is behind us. Two years have passed since I should have made my husband a father. 365 days have passed again without another pregnancy to be had.

This coming year my estranged in-laws will become grandparents to their first living grand child. My nephew will be a year closer to driving-Lord help us all. My marriage will have reached the 13 year mark. Seconds become minutes. Minutes become hours. Hours become days. Days become months. Months become years. We trudge through these moments sometimes living in them and other times living for them. The tear that is shed because you open an unexpected gift-a moment you can't get back because it was so fleeting and oh so precious. Or those you hope to achieve "At this time next month, holiday, year I could be pregnant!"

I've made both of those proclamations--though not the latter so much this year. I think I've reached the acceptance point that at this junction I'm simply going through the motions. Two years without a pregnancy to follow the one that took us 10 years to achieve and only 7 weeks and 2 days to loose...its not likely to happen. So...I've made a decision.

This blog is titled 1 Day and one pound At A Time...and I'm getting back to that.

My husband is a runner. He used to not be. He lost 70+ pounds in under 10 months! It took me 3 months to loose 17 pounds, and about 7 months to gain them all back. Enough going through those motions. Its time to put up or shut up. It's time to get off the couch and reclaim my existence. Do you know why I haven't been to my aerobics class in WEEKS? Not because I was told I couldn't go to water aerobics but because I made the excuse "Well if I'm pregnant then it won't matter if I eat this extra *insert any junk food here*. So while I was not only busy not getting pregnant I was also busy getting fat because I couldn't say no to the cookies, or brownies, or cheese, or other junk food that looked good at the moment.

So my resolution...like so many others is to get back at it. It's not a mole hill, its a mountain and its going to take some time and effort to climb to the top. A journey of 1000 miles begins with the first step...and while I may not have a child to walk with me I have a lot more miles to go and there is no reason why I have to travel them on a scooter because I'm now too fat to walk around our plan on a 50+ degree day without becoming winded while walking up a slight grade (this actually happened today).

The Moody Blues...

I so very much can't wait for my week to be over tomorrow.

Lets be honest, I can't wait for the year to be over tomorrow!

Work has been a bear for such a short period of having to be there. Add to that the knowledge that I am 98% likely not pregnant. I've decided to down grade from 100% just so that I don't sound too morose. Did it work?

I have done very well at keeping my bad mood away from the work place, but by the time I get home I'm quite miserable and blue. Pookey even told the puppy to stay away from me tonight lest I take my frustrations out on her. Well that only worked so long as she wasn't under my feet or chewing on my knee high boots.

Given that I typically pull 10 day LP's with IUI cycles I imagine that my period will arrive on Sunday...and with it insurance changes...that will likely yield us unable to try again. Sigh.

I'm rambling so I shall close...for now...just for now...

My Own Pity Party...

Biology like faith has failed me.

There is no way I could have gotten pregnant this cycle.

My P4 is so low that my temps are already falling in response. My left ovary is likely covered in cysts based on the pain emanating from it. We will know for sure on CD 3 when they will finally relent and do an ultrasound. OHSS has been ruled out.

To say I'm bummed out already at 7 dpo is an understatement.

We followed the identical protocol that we followed when I got pregnant.

5 dpo progesterone was 75.
6 dpo breasts started to hurt.
7 dpo soft cervix, increased CM
8 dpo mood swings that made me certain that I was PMSing
9 dpo Taco Bell cravings
10 dpo implantation spotting.
11-13 dpo all of the above less the implantation spotting.
14 dpo BFP.

This cycle

5 dpo p4 was 16.

Offered HCG booster to try to stabilize lining, but really whats the point? I'm not pregnant. That is completely obvious, and based on the changes to our insurance as of Saturday morning this was likely our last cycle...It failed, I already know this. Bring on the booze and the ski trip on Monday...maybe if I get lucky I will be the victim of an avalanche...or at least a rouge snow boarder who puts me in a coma until menopause...

5 Days Post The Big Big O...

Today finds me sitting firmly at 5 dpo.

I wish I could say that I feel like something is going on that leads me to believe that I'm the big P, alas I feel no differently today than I did 10 days ago when I was sitting at 5 days prior to ovulation. I know at this stage of the game there isn't anything going on that should indicate that something might be going on but still...I would hope for something...

Our holiday was grand.

My husband and I had a wonderful weekend full of activity, food, friends and gifts.

On Christmas Eve we celebrated together as we always do. We got up and went to breakfast-apparently there was a tiff between our waitress and the other waitress on the floor. Let me just say there was no Christmas love being shared there! When we got home we exchanged our gifts--one in particular brought a tear to my eye. I am now the very happy owner of a 1/4 karat Open Heart Necklace. I was shocked because I hadn't asked for it, and second because it had been many many moons ago that I mentioned my love of them. It was quite a shock!

On Christmas Day we woke early again and headed to my parents home. My sister, niece, and nephew came and joined us for breakfast which I cooked to give mom a break. My nephew who is 5 was getting very antsy and at one point turned on my Mom's CD player and decreed "You have until the end of this song to finish cleaning up then I'm opening everyone's presents" My one year old niece was more interested in the balls on the tree than the gifts under it, while my Mother and Husband continually had heart attacks when she would take one of the tree and put it in her mouth--as if I would let her keep it there!

The day after Christmas we hosted a party here. EVERYONE we invited arrived at once with the exception of one couple who came after all of those people had left. It was a very full, very long day for all...but it was a delightful one none the less. Now if I can figure out a way to reduce the number of jello salads, cookies, pies, and left over rigatoni that I have in the fridge I will deem that cycle of events a success.

As for the other cycle in which this post is entitled...well we still have a few days to ponder that one but if I were a betting woman I would say that like all the others with the exception of AJ's, that this too is a bust. However being 5 dpo I do reserve the right to change my opinion of that status at any time!

A Christmas Query...

It's Christmas Day!

I hope Santa was good to all of you. He certainly was to me this year. Of course if it weren't for a very important birth we wouldn't be celebrating this day at all. Of course all too quickly once the snow has melted and the days have become longer we will celebrate that very babes death. 33 years in just 5 short months, remarkable.

Anyway...It's Christmas Day! I'm 2 days post ovulation! As I type this I'm slightly crampish, but nothing horrible or indicative that in a few days I will be gulping Gatorade and chicken broth by the bucketful. However there was an oddity to the day. One that I wasn't clearly able to investigate as I was sharing space with a 12 month old and her 5 year old brother who didn't care that a closed bathroom door meant DO NOT ENTER!

I urinated, wiped and there it was a copious amount of EWCM with enough blood in it to tinge it yellow. I've never experienced this before. It's way to early for implantation, but far too late for ovulation as I triggered many days ago. So what the heck could it be? In my mind if it was residual blood from ovulation it would have been brown, and the CM shouldn't be EW but rather creamy. Alas biology says that ovulation occurred 2 days ago and implantation should conception have occurred won't happen for another 5 days at minimum. Again I ask...what the heck was that???

Any suggestions???

A Crisis of Faith and Science...

Today the fate of my cycle was decided.

I've ovulated.

We introduced sperm to my uterus.

Now the rest is up to God and Biology.

Of course I can't put much stock in either right now on this eve of Christmas Eve.

For the earlier I question--How can you "allow" my unmarried sister in law who doesn't have a job, who dropped out of high school, whom was married and divorced by 20, and whom smokes get pregnant but after 10 years when Pookey and I finally got pregnant we miscarry our baby. How can an all knowing, loving God allow that to happen? So I turn my head, heart and back on faith for a moment and focus on Biology. Then before you know it I'm talking to God about this again for you see as angry as I want to be that the drug addict, the welfare recipient, or octomom get pregnant and have their babies I still bow my head in prayer every night, and just about every meal. I forget that I've stated "its all biology God has nothing to do with it" as I bow my head and beg, plead, and barter for just ONE MORE CHANCE...

Then in the cruel light of a winters day when the final injection has been given, when there are 96,000 sperm swimming in a cup, and I am laying on a table in a paper dress I say "its all biology" Of course then I get angry and ask--if its all biology, if its all science then WHY do IVF's and IUI's fail? After all its biology! If I remember my junior high school text correctly--I as a post pubescent pre-menopausal woman the following happens. On CD 1 I shed my non pregnant uterine lining. Between then and CD 14 the lining is shed, and regrows as estrogen and LH levels increase. On CD 14 without deviation an ovary (the opposite of the one that ovulated the following cycle) releases and egg. Now we flip to my health class text. If on cycle day 14 you have intercourse, or heavy petting at which time ejaculation occurs and you get just one sperm on your underpants that sperm fertilizes the egg. On cycle day 28 without deviation if sperm and egg have joined forces that you realize AHAH...You're pregnant because EVERY WOMAN ovulates on cycle day 14 and their next period--should sperm not have met egg because one didn't have sex or heavy petting--arrives.

It's simple right? It's biology! It says so right on page 12 of my text book!

Well if that is the case then I'm pregnant with Quintuplets, and since according to the text pregnancy lasts a total of 42 weeks from conception then they will be born in September. It's simple right? It's biology!

Yea, I'm not so sure either...

Still on this eve of Christmas I'm going to try to believe that it is that simple. That sperm met egg(s), and that I am pregnant. However just for added insurance I will as always bow my head tonight and pray. I will pray as I always do for those whom I love, and for those whom I don't love as much. I will also pray that I am pregnant. I will pray that a few of those sperm made it to their targets and that life is being created as I sleep. I will further pray that the life inside of me is kept safe from now until September. Then I will barter--I would give up my job, my car, my nice suburban life if I could experience for a moment what my sister in law who doesn't have nearly what we have does...for after all if I were to be honest...I would give it up in a heart beat--I'd give up the two car, condo living, 3% raise garnering job if for just one moment I could hold my child in my arms and know that I may not have it all, but that I do....have it all...

3 Percent...

It's that time of year again, and no I'm not talking about Christmas or New Years though they occur at this time every year also.  Not of course that you can convince those last minute shoppers at the mall of this yearly event.  No, they panic and act surprised as if Christmas fails to fall on the 25th of December on a cyclical basis.  With a little less regularity though during the same week or two period also falls yearly review time at work, and today happened to be mine.

Generally I enjoy my job.  Truly I do.  I go in at 8 a.m. and leave at 4:30 and when I say leave I mean leave.  I do not bring the problems home with me.  My evenings and weekends are mine unless of course the work place bully has stomped through my department spewing venom at anyone who dares breathe while in her presence.  At this point I vent for a good half hour or so and then proceed to move about my evening often finding that it is on those eves that I make it to my aerobics class and while the look on my face may be dower I do get a good work out in.  Alas since telling the bully off almost two weeks ago our paths have only crossed professionally as she no longer seems to feel the need to use our department as the crossroads to the rest of the building.  Still, despite the good I simply couldn't shake the feeling that my days were numbered.  A fear that my friends at work told me was completely paranoid and unfounded.  Alas one admitted to those same feelings herself given that our department has dwindled due to an involuntary lay off, and three voluntary terminations of employment that it does not give one great confidence in our own longevity within the organization.  Thus when my personal boss advised that today would be my review I was less than anxious for the outcome, but I need not have been...

Apparently for all intents and purposes I play well with others--even though I recently told the workplace bully off.  My areas for improvement we listed as the general "I need to fill in this space with something"  jumble that is a typical review.  My strengths were noted, and complimented and in the end despite speculation that we were again in a moratorium on pay increases I was given the "if we throw you a bone you won't quit right?"  raise of 3%.  I'd say I was disappointed if it weren't for the fact that we were expecting nothing, and I walked away with something.  Yet that isn't even what made the whole process worth it.

No, what made the whole process worth it was when my boss reached out his hand and shook mine--not in a conciliatory manner, but in a warm gesture and said "I want you to know that it's a great pleasure to work with and to be associated with you"  This was my second review with this company with this particular boss and I can honestly say that this was a first and that alone was worth a job well done...