Monday, January 17, 2011

You're Not Infertile You Jerk...

While I'm not one to down play any ones pain either real or perceived this annoyed me to the point where I had to remember that.

"I got pregnant with my first child a month after I got off birth control and a month before I got married. We conceived our second child again within a month of coming off the pill. Our third was conceived in the same manner, and then I decided to get an IUD placed. I had the IUD removed in May. We used condoms for June, July, and August. We started trying to conceive for real in November. Well now its January and I'm not pregnant again. I want to know when I can go to a doctor about my infertility."

SERIOUSLY you've been trying for TWO MONTHS and you think you're infertile!!

What I wanted to say and actually typed was this:

Keeping in mind that it took us 3 months to become pregnant only to miscarry and then 10 years later finally being pregnant again only to miscarry again I would tell you that your insane to even be considering the fact that you're "infertile" Get a grip, go grab a glass of wine and have sex a few more times with your husband because I'm sure that in three months you will be coming back here telling us that you were wrong you're not infertile because your 12 freaking weeks pregnant.

Instead what I said was...

While I don't wish to downplay you're pain you are no where near ready to be classified as infertile. Per the definition infertility is the inability to conceive after 12 months of unprotected intercourse if under 35 and 6 months if you're over 35. For someone who is both classically and secondarily infertile-if you can call me that I would say that no doctor is going to entertain your concerns seriously after just two cycles.

Of course now I'm waiting for those who shove rainbows and butterfly's are going to rip me apart, but boy...can you imagine if I had told her what I really think...Seriously people...I know you can't walk on egg shells around everyone but think before you speak...Grief it isn't like I go to over eaters annonymous and complain because I ate an extra serving of nachos yesterday and I gained an ounce...

Thank you for letting me vent. I feel better now.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Comfort Food...

This morning I got up and took the dog out. I made a mental note that I should throw some salt down on the patch of ice between the over hang of the patio and the front walk after the dog went sailing across in her exuberance to eliminate. Of course I apparently forgot by the time she was done and by the time hubby and I went out for our weekly Sunday breakfast. Well not forgot, just simply didn't follow through.

I even mentioned this to hubs as we walked out "Oh be careful B slid across a patch of ice this morning..." His response "I know, I almost took a sill on it last night before bed when I took her out." So please note that two responsible adults were both aware of said ice patch yet neither one of them did anything about it...

We went to breakfast, and had a great time chatting up our tattoo covered favorite waitress. We watched the old couple that always comes in at the same time every Sunday morning and wondered if that would be us some day-Her nagging him because he didn't hear what she said, and him telling her to quit picking on him. Oh wait, that's us now. We paid the bill, then headed to Wally World to pick up nacho chips and soap. We then came home, I leading the way up the walk--now having totally forgotten about the patch of ice that would soon be the cause of my fall...

I reached out in an attempt to grab the pillar that holds the roof above the patio but to no avail. In seconds I heard and felt my knee and hip making contact with the cold cement below, followed in quick succession with my hand when it sent a quiver up my extended arm into my shoulder. My husband not missing a beat picked up my purse, keys, and bag of chips--confirming that they weren't damaged--gee honey thanks...but how about me? I think I'm broken.

My hip and knee upon examination were turning lovely shades of molted pink, red, and ultimately a lovely egg plant purple. So I decided instead of my original plan of waiting until dinner to eat again, and then hitting the gym that I should instead curl up on the couch--eating Nacho's Bel-Pookey. Ah comfort food, it may not be healthy but it sure beats falling on the ice any day!


Whole Grain Nacho Chips
Ground Turkey browned with Taco Seasoning
Mexican Rice
Green Onions
Sour Cream

I looked up Nacho's Bel Grande on my weight loss ap and well lets just say that after the Jet's loose...pain in my knee or not...I will be on the treadmill...

Saturday, January 15, 2011

It Was A Fluke...

Further proving why I should totally distrust the internet world is the fact that even reputable sites sometimes encounter problems!

Apparently they were having issues yesterday that were repeatedly brought to their attention but that took hours to correct. Now I can appreciate that, but still should you not have put on a service advisory regarding that? Simply state while you are unable to book passage from point A to point B online you can do so by calling our customer service line. Of course I didn't think about this until after I wrote yesterdays post in total knee jerk reaction.

My hubby, God love him, was the voice of reason. "Maybe you should call them and find out if it is true." He then suggested contacting a particular air line to see how much it would be to fly instead. He reasoned that it would cost us well over $200 to rent a car, pay turnpike tolls, and park so if I were able to locate an airline that cost around $200 then we could fly instead. Alas, flying while only taking 3 1/2 hours from our metro area to theirs cost $33 more than the cost of an IUI after our deductible of course. It was only then that I decided to call customer service and was advised that travel from Point A to Point B had been restored, and that I could in actuality schedule travel.

So unless we are with something unexpected between now and the 3rd of February we're on our way to the big city. We will travel over night--arriving in the big city 4 hours prior to my scheduled appointment time. This excites me because I can have breakfast with my hubby in a cafe, and then walk to the park before having our reproductive history revealed, reviewed, and then have it be decided if we're worthy of procreating for know like the majority of the population who gets drunk on a Saturday night and a few weeks later realizes "oops we forgot to call up the goalie" but not really for our plan involves not ounces of alcohol but beakers and a test tube or two...but at least we can tell Matthew or Kate or Andrew or heck maybe even something exotic like Zuess that his or her conception and ultimate birth was as far from being a fluke as you can get...

Friday, January 14, 2011

Just Another Hurdle?

Since we got our foot in the door for the IVF study I've been constantly worrying about the reasons why we wouldn't be accepted. I never once dreamed that one of the reasons we wouldn't be accepted would be due to a potential no show. Of course most people would immediately have booked their travel plans-handed over the credit card or hit send on the internet landing page as soon as they had the confirmation email in hand, but having recently had an email account hacked I've been leery of doing anything via the internet that I can't do in person preferably with cash as I've had to cancel my favorite piece of plastic as a result of the hack, but I've been adjusting to that change.

With only three weeks remaining until I will be in the stirrups for possible entry into the IVF foray it was time to book our transport. At last check there was non stop service from our metro area to the big city 7 hours away. Today there isn't. No matter what destination I chose to arrive at leaving from our local hub I was unsuccessful in obtaining passage. It didn't matter if I chose Philly to NY or Philly to Washington DC or Philly to Virginia Beach. It simply did not matter what the local there was simply no services to be had. I contacted the company and inquired about the possibility of a web error, or to see if perhaps their services has changed, but no there is no error. Service to our hub has been terminated.

My wonderful hubby has suggested that we drive ourselves, but I just don't know...I can't help but wonder if this hurdle isn't the sign that I asked for since I've started praying about this being the next step in our journey. A part of me can't help but wonder if perhaps this isn't where we're supposed to head. Perhaps with the changes to our insurance, and the sudden lack of a hub in our area makes me wonder if it hasn't been obvious all along...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Date Night...

Yesterday work was abominable.

If you look up the word MICRO-MANAGER in the dictionary you would see a photograph of my boss next to it. I'm a self starter, I do not need anyone to check to make sure I'm working or to make sure that what I'm working on is on the priority list. Further I'm great at multitasking and as such I can read an email, and check an invoice at the same time. I'm so sorry that you feel that another co-worker "had a hard time" and isn't capable of doing such but this is not my problem, and I'm not your problem so lets move on.

This afternoon I had a productivity meeting with said boss. Apparently my error rate on said invoices is less than 2%. To be totally honest it is 1.8% Apparently I function at a 6 unit hour. Meaning that I produce 6 units of work--be it invoicing, order entry, deal with clients on the phone or issuance of RGA's. So in an 8 hour period I produce 48 pieces of tracable work. Apparently that is the highest in the department. Yet you felt the need to Micro-Manage me. When he asked if I needed to talk I told him NO, when he asked if he had done something from a management standpoint I told him YES, you micro-managed me and I do not like it, which lead to the above paragraph--blah blah blah.

After my meeting I emailed my hubby and asked if he'd like to have a drink at the Flop House*** (Name changed to protect our location). He immediately responded and said that YES it was a good idea. This was a good thing for last night we had a fight. A major fight at which time he packed a suit case because I hurt his feelings so badly. I was spiteful and mean, but tonight made up for it.

We both ordered our drinks, and devoured a delicious brick oven backed buffalo chicken pizza. It was heaven on a plate. We held hands, and talked about how important it is to unwind in this manner a bit more often. It will be especially important should we be accepted into the IVF study--for once we get pregnant I won't be able to have a vodka and cranberry juice with a slice of lime on the rim. Of course that doesn't mean that I can't call ahead and order a buffalo chicken pizza either...for pregnant women have mad cravings...

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

She's Got Legs...

So last night I decided that I wanted to take my very first sauna. It was an off night from the gym as I had gone both Saturday and Sunday, but I didn't want to get out of the habit. So what better way to relax than taking a 20 minute sauna right?

I walked into the cedar planked room and took my seat on the top row. I breathed in the hot air and tried to relax, but the rubber on my ear buds was starting to burn my flushing skin so I moved to the other end of the room and moved the lower level bench. I stretched out my legs as the door opened. In walked a very friendly looking 20 something. She smiled at me and took her seat--above and directly across from me. "Hi. Isn't this great?" She asked as she arranged her self on her towel. Still listening to my music I smiled and said yes. She kept talking so I took my buds out so that I didn't appear to be rude.

She smiled again before she took off her top and stated "I'm so jealous of your legs!"

Not to be prideful, but I've been told I have nice legs--boy if people saw them as they are in their natural state--which 90% of the time is unshaven with sweat sock rings around the ankles they may change their minds, but I digress.

I smiled again and thanked her.

She smiled back and then proceeded to tell me that no she really liked them and that they were lovely, and curvy, and had great muscle tone.

"Thanks, my husband likes them too" Is what I said as I twisted my wedding band but what I was thinking was "Uhm, ok this is a little weird..."

"You're married?" She asks but didn't wait for an answer for she gathered her things and left. Needless to say I wasn't too far behind.

Tonight I played it safe...I wore yoga pants, and a long sleeve t-shirt and stuck to the elliptical....

Monday, January 10, 2011

26 Days Later...

"What's next on the list for New York?" He asked me this morning on our way to work.

"Showing up."

"That's it?"

"Yup, pretty much. Well, actually no that isn't it. You need to make sure that you abstain for no less than 2 days and no more than 5 days before we go"

"I can handle that."

"Yes dear I know you can. Just make sure it isn't until February 4th"

He grabbed my knee and squeezed as we both smiled.

My hope is that in 26 days as at this time we will be 2 hours into our home journey that we're still smiling, and still laughing. Of course as my husband so lovely pointed out--if nothing else, you'll have a lovely day in the city....

Saturday, January 8, 2011

1-2-3 POUNDS!

Ok so it's improbable that someone who just stopped going to the gym and started eating everything in site would suddenly loose three pounds in a week by simply cutting their calories, and going back to the gym but that is what the scale told me this morning. It only groaned a little bit when I stepped on its tempered glass surface rather than screaming in sheer agony. This is a plus.

Let me recap--

Last year when I went to the GYN for my annual the tech said "I need to weigh you" My response was "That's not necessary I weigh 216 pounds." The tech looked at me suspiciously "No, I need to weigh you" I kicked off my shoes, took the keys out of my pocket, and asked if I could remove my bra for I was certain the under wire would throw the scale off. When the number appeared on the digital read out I quivered in fear. Not only did I not weight 216 pounds I was 7 pounds heavier.

The GYN didn't say much as my BP was normal, and I promised that I would take the weight off before I saw her in a year. Apparently I was convincing because I walked out with a shiny new script for the Nuva Ring despite being way over weight and 35. That night I started to work out religiously. Every night I went to the gym. I also put myself on a rigorous diet-100 calorie pack and yogurt for breakfast, a sensible lunch for approximately 300 calories, and what ever I wanted for dinner--thus keeping my caloric intake under 1500 a day for food consumption and then burning an additional 300 or so at night. I was netting a reasonable 1200 calories a day--within 3 months I had lost 17 pounds. People at work were commenting on the loss and I beamed with pride. Here I was with PCOS and I was loosing weight!

Then in May we decided that it was finally time to give another IUI a try sitting firmly at 195 pounds--only 15 pounds heavier than I was when we got married. I was so certain that I would get pregnant with all that weight gone... Well of course I worked out religiously until ovulation. Then I quit. I didn't want to jinx implantation. When my cycle came I took another week off because it was heavy as failed IUI cycles tend to be. By then I had been away from the gym for 3 weeks. Three became four, four became five. Then I stopped going at all. My husband of course had picked up where I dropped off--he was walking at night and riding his road bike at least 3 times a week-sometimes to work and back. Me, I made excuses.

When this cycle failed I stood on the scale again--and again I quivered when 206 popped up on the digital display. How was it that I had gone from 195 pounds back up to 206 with no end in site if I allowed myself to keep going on at that rate. It was and is disgusting. So this past week with AF here I was at the gym or working out in some capacity.

Today not only did the scale say I was 3 pounds lighter--now a whopping 203 but I also did something else that I have NEVER done before. I ran for 30 minutes--I completed a 5K course, and then I biked another 8 miles for another 1/2 hour to round out my 60 minutes. It was a huge ego boost.

I imagine if I keep this up that maybe I can be at 195 when I go to NYC for my first check up to see if we qualify for the study. That will be 15 pounds heavier than I need to be...but its a step in the right direction....

And seeing as my GYN appointment is January 28th I will at least be able to step on the scale knowing that she will be able to move the notch down a peg from 200 this go around!

Friday, January 7, 2011


I've been discovered!

Well, not in a Lana Turner kind of way but rather by happenstance of the blog world.

First I was discovered blogging again by my husband. I was kind of mad at him. Not because I have anything to hide, heck he knows it all before "you all" do but because there are things that I can type out here that I don't dare say out loud. I don't say them out loud because if I put them out there I can't take them back. Here, I can type anything I want and as long as I don't hit PUBLISH POST then I can take it back--poof--gone. Of course I can also push publish post, and then later when I'm thinking rather than feeling I can go to the edit option and click DELETE.

So I've been found out by a very "old" reader of my very old blog. What is "funny" is that even though I haven't updated my old blog in almost three years now I periodically get a comment on it (I authorized comments at my old digs) asking if I would please update. Of course I feel like a fake by not going back there and saying "Here I am, follow me over here if you want..." but on the flip side of that I don't.

My old story was about AJ. It was his space. The space that followed the heart ache that preceded his conception, and the heart wrenching depression that followed his loss and I don't want to go back there.

So now what? I've been discovered...if its a small world the internet is even smaller. Well, you're here. HI! I'm glad you found me. It's nice to see a familiar face. All I ask is that you keep this space separate from other spaces where our paths cross. On the flip side, if there is anyone else who "knew me when" have them stop by too. Who knows, maybe I will pour some wine and cut up some cheese and we can have a true blog warming party...

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Exclusion Protocal...

I would wager a guess that IVF is the easiest, fastest, gauranteed, most probable way that a woman with PCOS would be able to become pregnant with or without regular periods. Alas, guess which line of the exclusion portion of the study that I would fall into....oh no wait, there are two.

Exclusion Criteria:

* Not willing or able to sign the consent form.
* Either partner has symptoms of a sexually transmitted infection (including: Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis) and has not been treated.
* Female with active Varicella or/and Rubella infection.
* Either partner with Hepatitis A, B or C and has not been treated.
* Positive Genetic test results for: Fragile X (only if both partners are carriers), Cystic Fibrosis, Ashkenazi Panel (for Jewish Subjects) Hemoglobin Electrophoresis (for Asian, Latinos and African Americans)
* Abnormal Pap Smear.
* Abnormal Colposcopy.
* Female with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome without regular period (PCOS)with irregular menses.
* Female with diabetes, heart disease or/and has had heart attack or stroke.

I'm supposed to go for my first appointment on February 4th as mentioned in my earlier post. However now I'm not sure that I should bother.

I don't have regular periods on my own. I do however have very regular periods on Provera or birth control. However I will be controlled during an IVF protocal. Cycle day 1 will be when the doctor needs it to be, so WHY does it matter if I need to be on birth control pills to get me there?

Secondly, I have insulin resistance. I'm pre-diabetic. Odds are I'm going to be on insulin in the event that I become pregnant again.

I know I'm tilting at windmills here...I'm borrowing trouble. Technically I'm not a diabetic, I'm a pre diabetic...and I will have a very controlled cycle. All I can do is try...all I can do is go to the appointment be honest and up front and see what they say. If nothing else comes of it, my hubby and I will have a good time in the city for two days...

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Baby Steps To The Baby...

At 7:30 I picked up my cell phone and dialed the phone number. Well I dialed it incorrectly the first FOUR times, but that was not due to nerves but rather due to my touch screen on my cell phone. The fifth time was a charm and a real live person answered the phone. Of course after I rambled on about who I was and why I was calling the voice on the other end advised that I needed to talk to Matt and that it was early and that he wouldn't arrive until 9:30. Alrighty then I will call at 10 a.m.

At 10 I dialed the phone again only this time I got the voice mail. Oh how I hate voice mail. I left my pertinent information and then carried my phone with me everywhere I went even if it was to the desk across the office. I couldn't miss the phone call should it arrive.

Alas I called again at lunch since I still hadn't heard from them and then promptly emailed my husband that I was going stir crazy because I hadn't heard from them. Then it happened. Just as I was picking up my desk phone my cell started to vibrate. The client was disconnected and the cell picked up.

The voice on the phone was not that of a Matt much less a male, but rather a very nice young woman who promptly scheduled my first appointment. They can not of course order my blood work or chlamydia swab because I'm not officially a patient as of yet BUT once I go for my first appointment they will send me home with all the lab slips I need to have those done! The way she talked it was as if I were already part of the program--which is dangerous because the fall if I'm not accepted is going to be a high one!

The last surprise came when after we scheduled my appointment she said to me "We will see you AND your partner on February 4th at 10:30" Uhm hold up what? My partner, you mean my husband? Well of course you mean my husband I knew what you meant but wow I didn't think you'd need him yet. Alas they want him so that he can also give consent as well as a sample of the seed that will become our baby...

Baby steps...I'm so nervous about this. So many things could go wrong but as I told two girl friends today if this works out it will be as if we received a gift of $10, steps...I'm on dollar number $4....and that's a long way from $10,000!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

What Would You Do? AKA The Chance Of A LifeTime (Maybe)

I'm so afraid to put this out there for fear of jinxing it. In fact I didn't even tell my husband about this until three days after I applied for the program... I have passed two preliminary screenings to be part of a FULL TOUR IVF study. GULP.

What's the problem you ask?


On paper their criteria is:

A. Your insurance doesn't cover IVF--CHECK
B. You're 38 or under--CHECK
C. You have regular periods---uhm well, this is a problem...

Their requirements:

You or your insurance are responsible for the following testing:

All screening tests are required to be updated within one year of any IVF cycle. Genetic testing and blood type are only done once.

Female Testing:

* HIV 1 & 2
* Hepatitis B Surface Antigen
* Hepatitis C Antibody
* Rubella Titer
* Varicella Titer
* Blood type/Rh
* Pap smear
* GC (gonorrhea)
* Chlamydia
* CBC (complete blood count)

Male Testing:

* HIV 1 & 2
* Hepatitis B Surface Antigen
* Hepatitis C Antibody

Genetic Testing:

All patients:

* Fragile X
* Cystic Fibrosis

Of course these must be completed at or before your first visit which is when they determine if you can fully participate in the program. Alas this concerns me--I'm not worried about any of the above, but what I am worried about is how they will be coded for the insurance. I'm also concerned that my own GYN won't be willing to do the testing without a script.

Other concerns: The clinic is many hours away--do I really want to have these tests done only to be told I do not qualify for the study?

On paper I'm a candidate based on age, insurance requirements etc...but what if they have weight requirements that weren't listed? I'm over weight lets be honest. I have had a miscarriage. It took us TEN YEARS to get pregnant with our son only to experience his loss. I'm not exactly a statistical bullet that the doctors are going to jump on.

Then there is the requirement of regular periods--on my own I do not qualify--I don't have regular periods because I don't ovulate on my own. I understand they want regularity for the initial testing so that they can keep the groups together, but that can be controlled...and will be...

If I'm on Provera, birth control or under ovulation induction I have a period...and back to back those are for all intents and purposes regular...


Here is my plan--I'm going to call tomorrow and ask if 1. They can send scripts for the testing-after all I'm not convinced that my GYN will do the testing without them. If they won't then I will follow the following plan--

Today I'm on CD 3.
Sunday I will begin day 1 of birth control--this is the plan due to cysts from our failed cycle.
January 28th I have my yearly GYN appointment--current papsmear!
February 2nd my period should begin.
February 4th I will be at the clinic for my testing (assuming that the GYN won't do them), and for my exam to determine full eligibility.

Still I'm nervous. What would you do. Would you throw caution and cash to the wind and pay for the testing in the hopes that you're accepted or would you cut your losses having not lost anything and try again with ovulation induction that your insurance covers knowing that it took you 10 years to get pregnant before...knowing that your 36...and knowing that despite your best arguments to the contrary that you do really want to have at least one baby...this could be the chance of a life time, but seriously what would you do???

Saturday, January 1, 2011


So much for my resolve to begin my training on the treadmill today.

The gym owners felt that their worker bees deserved the day off.

I know I sound like I'm complaining, and well, I guess I am...but really I'm not complaining about that. After all those poor worker bees are going to be inundated with those who don't currently have a membership who have resolved to join the gym, and by those who have a membership but whom haven't had their key fobs scanned in weeks, months, years...what ever the case may be. So I suppose that they too deserved a day to languish around in their sweat pants watching foot ball, eating cheese curls, and drinking champagne as well--not that I did any of those things.

Oh alright, I did languish in bed much of the day but I did not watch foot ball. Instead I treated myself to a Big Love marathon since I own (thanks to my wonderful husband) the first three seasons on DVD. Then I discovered that CMT (I think) is running a Dallas marathon so I switched over to that only to then remember that my folks in Cityville needed my attention. So while I have been glutinous AGAIN in my eating I haven't been a total potatoe...oh who am I kidding, I've been a total couch potato.

Tomorrow will be no better as I will be FORCED to eat cake at my nieces 1st birthday party. Can you believe it...cake...and I don't want to be rude, I will have to at least try a very small, middle piece that isn't covered in royal icing hunk of floury goodness that is covered in layers of sugar and red dye #2 icing so that people don't suspect that I could be A. STILL trying to get pregnant though not putting that much effort into it or B. Actually trying to loose weight or C. All of the above (C is the correct answer here folks).

On Monday when our company gave us off in honor of the holiday for some ungodly reason Pook and I are going skiing. I'm afraid one of us (me) will be coming home with a broken knee, ankle, elbow, shoulder, or pelvis. Any of the above would certainly put a damper on the year and certainly on any actual attempts at pregnancy or weight loss (which ever would like to come first) in the new year and beyond....

Lastly--it appears as though my body is also closed for the holiday as my AF still has refused to show up though she is giving me definitive signs that she is a coming...but she just isn't sure when. I'm guessing that due to the holidays that USBrooms has the old witch flying stand bye. My temps have dropped even further, I'm no longer bloated, and my left ovary isn't on fire. So any time now...just please NOT so that my next cycle might coincide with my appointment with my regular GYN as I already have a PTO day scheduled...

Now, after all of that don't you wish that this blog too was closed for the holiday?