Tuesday, November 30, 2010

CD 16, AKA Day 1 of Provera...

Today marks day 16 of a nothing cycle.  Heck, even if I have ovulated--insert laugh track here--I can't tell you the last time my husband and I were intimate.  We're doing great relationship wise but we're both busy.  He's been going into work early and coming home late with the exception of today when he went in early and left on time.  Of course when I got home I loaded the dishwasher, played with the puppy, and then immediately after cooking and eating headed over to my water aerobics class.  Alright, back to the original topic...which was not to outline my day...

I'm on CD 16 which marks day 1 of Provera.  I will take it until cycle day 25.  Now in an ideal cycle this means I will start my period on Cd 28.  Now when I first started taking Provera that is exactly what happened.  Of course by the second cycle I started my period on CD 25 even as I took my little white pill religiously.  So why is this important this go around?

Well, should all go well then my CD 3 will be 12/15.  That date is significant as it was my due date for our baby boy in 2008.  I find it remarkable that two years would have passed since his birth.  I know that likely he would actually have been born on the 1st or 2nd of December as I have elevated sugar levels--not quite high enough for type 2 diabetes, but not low enough to be considered normal.  So when I got pregnant and was told my due date the doctor said "but don't expect to go that long, we will likely induce you two weeks early."  Still, since our little guy didn't make it even to the month of December I still hold the 15th for him.

I try not to look into "signs" but I can't help but hope that maybe just maybe given that this will be our last cycle that perhaps our baby is looking down on us and is whispering in Gods ear that its time...Of course on the flip side my FSH could be well over 30, and my antral follicle well below 10...and then it won't matter what the date...but for now lets not worry about any of that...instead cheers as I tip my glass of water and swallow the first of 10 little white pills that hold the key to starting my next period!

Monday, November 29, 2010

I'm A Fraud...A Fake...A Phony...

How was that for an attention grabbing headline?

I feel as if I'm all of the above.  I have not told anyone that we've stepped on the gas and are hurling towards the end of our infertility journey.  They, being friends and family think that we crossed that line a long time ago.  I only found out about the changes to our insurance from a friend who works in the medical field.  Her email began with "I know you haven't thought about infertility  in a long time but if you are interested..."  I read the memo from our insurance company with rapt attention.  The next day when she asked if I had received it I simply said yes and moved on.  I'm a fake.  I was devastated when I read the changes coming to injectable medications as it pertains to infertility treatments.  Grateful however was I also when a few weeks later our insurance liaison gave us the same speech as what was laid out in the original memo.

My family doesn't ask any more.  Not that they were all that supportive when they did know.  Unlike my other two sisters who experienced either secondary or primary infertility that they were able to over come naturally I was deemed the "dramatic one"  who needed to "just relax" and to stop talking about it.  Now that I have they simply don't even acknowledge it.  My sisters birthday isn't remembered as my due date also, but just her birthday.  Thanks family.

It's a shame that I feel the need to live this double life.  I wind up in the hospital with OHSS and instead of sharing that I tell them that it was ovarian cysts.  My period comes after another BFN, and instead of being able to mourn that I have to celebrate some one's BFP without any glimmer of disappointment from me. 

December 15th this year will bring with it my final CD 3 and yet the only people who will know about it are those who read this blog, my doctor, my husband, and me.  Isn't that pitiful...

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Life As A (Puppy) Mom...

7 Weeks Old
Yesterday morning before the sun rose my nephew and I headed north to pick up the latest furry addition to my family. My hubby had planned to go with me, but having been given the option of collecting 6 more hours of over time was far more appealing. We drove through falling temperatures and blowing snow for two hours before we arrived at the appointed patch of glass where my puppy lived.

Her former mother looked like she was ready to cry when she handed me both a bag of food, and the tiniest puppy that I have ever seen. In turn with seat belts fastened, and engine turning this tiny little puppy cried, almost knowing that she was now stripped of the comfort of her real mom, having watched bother her brother and sister go the very day before.

On the way home we stopped at the pet store-needing a much smaller collar than I had originally purchased. My nephew wanted to add a bag of "designer diapers" to our purchases, but I convinced him that when he was called on to puppy sit that he would be much more appreciative of a potty trained pup than one who wore pink diapers with snow flakes on them.

Potty training started off badly. Bentley immediately urinated on my sisters rug despite being out on the lawn for almost 20 minutes with my nephew. Here at home she seems to not enjoy the potty pads, and would much rather be taken out on her leash even though she vocally dislikes her collar. Of course that only applies to her urination-we've come up with an alternative for her #2 needs--we've set up her potty pads in an old laundry basket that is made of plastic. When she begins to show the need to go to the bathroom we go outside, and 10 of 10 times she will urinate but when she fails to #2 she comes in and spends some time in the laundry basket. So far we have only had one accident for both #1 and #2 and they were her humans fault. She clearly exhibited want and need, and both times I missed those signs.

Sleeping and anxiety issues are also reminiscent of having a human baby-not that I have had that biological experience but have taken any one of my 5 nieces or nephews from ages 6 weeks on for any given number of days and those experiences were exhausting at that age. Much like them Bentley awoke at 2, and then again at 4 and like most babies decided that 4 a.m. was the perfect time to play.

As for her toys, she has decided that her big sisters-the cat are far more interesting and appropriate chew toys than her own. Of course she doesn't quite realize that the cat doesn't like her for various other reasons so for right now I'm letting them pick their battles and as long as the cat doesn't mind that her mouse now belongs to the dog...well then why should I?

Friday, November 26, 2010

The Voice In My Head...

I'm trying, though not very well to find my voice in blog land and I'm finding it to be very difficult.

When I started I was certain that I would focus on my empty womb and my various work outs. Instead I find that I ramble on with no true focus, and no true way to relate those two topics to anyone else out there.

The blogs that I read all seem to have a common recurring theme that propels the writers individual story on a daily basis. In turn their followers comment in regards to how that days story pertains to their existence which in turn is written about on their blog. Me I seem to have neither.

Perhaps mine is a journey that doesn't need to be blogged about? Or perhaps I simply need to focus and figure out what it is I want to blog about? Or perhaps like the idea of decorating for Christmas it is something I want to do, but really have no interest in actually organizing enough to get er' done...

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

She Wants A Bra For Christmas...Oh So Thankful...

Why am is my title on the day before Thanksgiving about a Christmas wish?

At work yesterday they hung copies of three giving trees. One in accounting, one in the kitchen, and one in the kitchen. On each hangs 5-10 tags with green ribbon. On those tags is a request from a young man or woman who is between the age of 15-17. These children middle year teens live in a group home for foster children who don't have even a temporary home. Thus they were charged with writing down their one please note ONE Christmas wish on a tag and that tag was sent to us.

Yesterday I looked through the requests on the kitchen tree. One young man wanted a foot ball, another wanted very specific tennis shoes, and yet another requested a Taco Bell gift card. "I will get one of these another day" I told my cynical self. Taco Bell for Christmas really? Of course not realizing that what I take for granted as I drive to work daily is a true treat for this young man. Yet when I pulled the tag I chose this morning I didn't choose that one. Instead my eye caught a tag written by a 16 year old young lady, and her WISH broke my heart.

I remember being 16 and asking for a new book, or sweater, or a CD or two but never would I wish to receive what this girl asked for. Her request was for a Bra, and she listed her size 36DD. Her request broke my heart for its such a simple NEED that I also take for granted. In my drawer on any given day are 6 bras for me to choose from and another 3 to wear to the gym at night. Yet this young girl likely only has one, and even that is a maybe.

I pulled her tag and decided that not only will I buy her the requested bra, but I'm also going to buy her something fun. Perhaps a good book to read, or a a gift card to a store that would appeal to her age. Not because she asked but because I'm so blessed and oh so thankful. We weren't rich by any means but we don't want for basic needs as does this girl.

Tomorrow we will break bread with our family. Tomorrow night I will cuddle with my niece who will join me for our annual Black Friday pilgrimage to the mall. Tomorrow as I should be every day I will be grateful that my name has never appeared on a giving tree, nor have I ever had to ask for a basic necessity such as a bra for Christmas...

Have a happy, safe, and full holiday with your families tomorrow and remember to look around the table that we have much to be thankful for.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Back In The Water...

Today was a busy beginning to a very short week.

Tomorrow will likely be my final full day at work, though not my last for the week just the final full one. Ah yes there are rumors of early dismissal on Wednesday. Early dismissal, I sound like an elementary school student when it snows.

Work was its normal 8 hours of fun. I quickly glanced at the calendar and realized that on December 1st I need to start my 10 day regimen of Provera in preparation of our next cycle. Just like the day those 10 days will be here and gone before I know they even started!

After work I quickly changed out of my suit pants and blouse and into a more appropriate suit for the pool. One hour later I was sufficiently worked over and out. My back ached, and my arms felt like jelly but I was so glad to be back. I didn't realize how much I missed the hour to decompress, and just have a ball splashing around.

No pun intended, but God willing and the water don't rise I will be able to dedicate enough time to the class so that I won't gain weight this holiday season! Of course that means that I will have to stop after 1 piece of pie instead of the whole thing on Thursday...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

A Change of Scenery

December brings with it a myriad of emotions for me as with it comes the 2 year anniversary of our unfulfilled due date. It's hard to believe that we would have a 2 year old toddler had I carried to term.

The first year we holed up in our homey abode. There were no stockings hung by the chimney, no Christmas tree permeating the air with scents of pine, and no Christmas cards sent. We did go through the motions, we went to my parents and his and exchanged gifts with the then numbering 4 nieces and nephews. Last year we bought the tree, and hung the stockings but a part of me still had no desire to really celebrate the birth of a child over 2000 years ago. Then I had a change of heart-it suddenly melted and I realized how blessed I am. No we weren't celebrating a first birthday but we were celebrating life and it was lovely.

This year its staring quite the same. I'm missing our baby boy, but I'm trying not to be melancholy about it. Instead I'm going to spend the weekend of our EDD in DC. Just two days away-a quick change of scenery and I can't wait. Of course we've already calculated the possible cycle days and where I will be. It seems that on my due date I will be CD 3, and I will be in the stirrups getting a lay of the land, looking at the internally scenery. Then I'm off...I'm going to spend two days the week before Christmas taking in DC in the snow, and I can't wait.

My husband? He's staying home w/the puppy who will still be fairly little...but me, I'm going to make his a yearly tradition--I'm going to celebrate what could have been instead of lamenting it.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Well here I sit CD 2. Sigh. That means I pulled a whopping 11 day LP. Blah.

We're off this month which I expected as is my norm. So this means we have ONE cycle that remains before our insurance changes. Adding insult to injury NO injections unless they are given by a doctor in his/her office, and the co pay has gone up by $20 an injection. At that rate I can't afford it. Hopefully the puppy will fill some void when she comes home in a week and a half!

The puppy is coming home in a week and a half! A co-worker said "I'm surprised you're not talking about it 24-7" I answered the way I would if I were pregnant "Well I want to make sure everything is OK before I let my guard down. I want to be holding her in my arms before I really let it sink in" WOW...that speaks volumes.

I got a "new" car. An old new car. I have a love of Neon's and well my hubby found me one that is perfect. Its a 98', and in excellent condition. It only has 115K miles on it, and is in excellent condition--I think it runs better than her big sister who is 10 years younger. Sure I will be jealous when my husband trades "his car" in on a 2011 beauty, but hey I love Neons!!

With AF here I still can't get back to my water aerobics class, and that bums me out...but soon I hope! Soon!!! If nothing else I can be sure I will be walking the dog around the block soon!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Lack of Understanding...

AF will be here today. No implantation dip for me. I know that yesterday I was so completely stoic and accepting of my fate but today as I sit here in the darkness of the early morning I find myself frustrated and angry.

EVERYTHING was perfect.

Timing was dead on.

Cervical mucus was as egg white and copious as I have EVER seen it.

Egg production was beautiful.

Tadpoles in place.

I believe in God, but I won't ever call myself religious. I can't quote scripture like others do to get them through this. I do pray at night, and let me tell you that last nights prayer was angry. I just will never understand how the high school kids who get caught with their pants down wind up pregnant the very "first time". I will never understand how the drug user who doesn't know who the father could be winds up pregnant not once but a bunch of times. I will never understand why the one who goes through three IVF's only to become pregnant with twins looses them to a genetic abnormality. I will never understand how it was that we were allowed this miracle of pregnancy ourselves--a teaser pregnancy--only to have it taken away and to never be able to experience it again ourselves.

Perhaps I should contact Kate, or Octo(mom) to see how it is that they were able to have such great success multiple times and I have to continue to fuss and fight for just one more...

Saturday, November 13, 2010


I've accepted that we're not pregnant this cycle. Sigh. That means there are only two left before the change to our insurance could possibly preclude any additional attempts.

My temp dropped a whole .05 point--AF is on her way.

I'm cramping something fierce--AF is on her way.

My painful breast are now soft, and pain free--AF is on her way.

I've accepted this, and will move on as always. I'm hoping that given my PCOS status that we do not have to take a cycle off, but I'm not totally convinced that we won't. I've only ever had ONE back to back cycle and that was in the days of Femera mixed with a light dose of Follistim. So I'm not overtly hopeful. I've accepted this as my fate as well.

IF we do have to take next month off I plan on completing the remainder of my NON emergent dental work. I'm going to get my crown place, and a cleaning completed. Then hopefully we will have a successful next time with NO dental or medical emergencies that occur at 3 days post ovulation.

And yes...the irony of the following is not lost on me--the abscess started the day after I ovulated, and it ended the day before my period will start. The hygienist agreed that the abscess was very likely perpetuated by hormones. Sigh.

I will say I'm ubber excited to get back to my water aerobics class too. Missing a week and a half was never in my plan--I had intended to relieve OHSS, and any resulting PMS by being the water...but again...the best laid plans...I guess I need to be more accepting of those failing too....

Friday, November 12, 2010

Thats A Negative...

My temperature is flat at 98.4

I'm cramping. My bbs are weird. Encased in fabric and supported by metal they grow larger and heavier. Once released they breathe a sigh of relief and return to their normal selves. I am waking in the middle of the night and I do go to the bathroom while I'm up HOWEVER I'm not certain that I'm up because my tooth hurts OR because I have to urinate. I guess I will find out tonight after said problem tooth is removed.

Anyway...just because I wanted to be able to see if something might be going on in there I wanted to see if we could find out. Well there was nothing to see here folks. I peed on the Answer Early that promises you that at 9 DPO you can have a definitive answer (no pun intended) and then laid it down and got in the shower. As I doused myself under the warm stream I repeated "it's early even if its negative that doesn't mean anything" Of course when I was holding the virgin white save for one pink line stick in my hand all of that logic went out the window. Instead I said "shoot I'm not pregnant but at least I can have good drugs tonight!"

Sigh. I guess next Wednesday we will know for sure...sigh.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


I'm 7 dpo today.

One moment I think with great certainty that YES we did it, I'm pregnant! Then in the next moment I think with equally great certainty that NO we did NOT do it I'm positively NOT pregnant.

Of course I have taken more pain meds than the average bear for my excruciatingly painful tooth. I don't think the antibiotics are touching the infection despite my diligence in taking my antibiotic on the ever 6 hour routine as prescribed. I was however able to move my appointment from next Wednesday for extraction to tomorrow which is where the nerves come in.

If I had been able to wait until Wednesday I would know with definitiveness if the science experiment worked or not. However I'm so miserable and do not believe that the antibiotic is working. Solution? We need to get the tooth out, and it needs to come out now pregnant or not.

For the moment I'm attempting to be nervous about one issue at a time, and right now since the only outcome I can control is that of my tooth...well that's what I will worry about. For after tomorrow I will have an additional 5 days to be nervous about the state of my uterus...

Monday, November 8, 2010

De Pain...De Pain...

I haven't bothered to step on a scale in forever. I haven't been to the gym since Tuesday or Wednesday of last week. First I didn't want to mess anything up after the science experiment. Then on Saturday I woke up with a horrific pain in the roof of my mouth. If I laid down it hurt worse, if I ate it hurt worse than that. Today I found myself in the dentists chair.

"I could be pregnant" I explained. Granted very early, but still I could be and they took that very seriously. The hygienist offered to "double cover me" just in case but I told her I didn't think that was necessary. Lets be completely honest I ovulated on Thursday so I'm 4 days post ovulate if I am pregnant the embryo, or would it be considered a blast at this point, I don't know...anyway, if I am destined to be pregnant nothing is really going on there yet...

Still they prescribed Keflex which is safe during pregnancy, or as safe as it can be during pregnancy. Then next Thursday--BETA day I'm having a tooth pulled. At least by then the pain and swelling will be gone...from my mouth anyway.

As for the rest of me my breasts are KILLING ME. I'm 100% certain that its from the Ovidrel.

I've also started cramping.

Of course I suppose I should be glad that when I take Tylenol that my boobs still hurt and all but I'm realistic...its very likely the shot...of course if I completely believe that then why did I buy a dual pack of Answer pregnancy tests?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise...

I woke with fear today. I was certain that I had already ovulated. The pain in my Left ovary certainly was ovulation. I checked my cervix. It was LOW, it was HARD, and it was CLOSED. Not only wasn't I ovulating today but I had missed my window completely. If I could have thrown myself back under the covers and cried I would have, but instead I got up and got dressed and headed out to the office.

At 8:15 I headed to the bathroom and that is when it started. There on the TP was a copious amount of yellowish blood tinged EWCM. Shortly after that the cramping in my RIGHT ovary started. It was 39 hours after my trigger shot, and as the survey says--36-40 hours later you will ovulate. Of course I wouldn't rest until I knew for sure, and a quick peak says...ovulating.
Tonight I ran to the grocery store, having skipped my water aerobics class for obvious reasons and per the norm I got register coupons. I got 5 coupons-one for each item I purchased. Mind you NONE of them had anything to do with babies yet the coupon on top was for a container of formula. I didn't bother to look at the expiration date, but it made me smile. Baby formula coupons.

I'm pregnant until proven otherwise folks, and I couldn't be happier!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Suddenly I'm nervous.

I am fairly sure that I ovulated on Monday-the day before my ovidrel injection. My E2 was very high, my eggs nice and plump at 16 mm on Saturday. 20's on Monday??? I had a TON of EWCM on both Sunday and Monday. Today NONE. I have no pain of impending ovulation, and my nipples hurt. Why even in the pool during my water aerobics class when I willed my ovaries to elicit some pain, some kind of cramping I could yield none. When I checked my cervix it feels low, hard, and the CM is all but gone. Suddenly...I'm nervous.

If the insurance company changes our coverage drastically then I'm down to two cycles left. TWO. That's not a lot of chances to make a baby.

Suddenly I'm nervous. Suddenly the fact that I want to believe myself pregnant isn't as illuminating as it once was. Suddenly...I want this cycle to be over...its conclusion drawn...suddenly I don't think myself capable of getting through a 2ww...

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

They Say It's My Birthday (and Trigger Day)

I'm handling 36 far better than 35. I'm not certain why...well yes I am. It's because we had drawn the "official" line in the sand of TTC at 35 and to me that was the death knell. I had miscarried in 2008, and that meant I only had approximately 15 months to "get er done" but alas that didn't happen and as such the line got moved. I'm almost inclined to move it even more after hearing the following stories--

My grandmother (mom's mom) was 38 when she had my mom--10 years between she and my uncle. Infertile much? Of course when those questions are asked they go unanswered. Sigh.

My mom's 92 year old teacher whom joins us for family dinners periodically--Her brothers were 19 and 20 when her mother gave birth to her 2 weeks before her 45th birthday! Yes my eyes got wide on that one!

A facebook friend whom I babysat for--had long given up the notion that she would get pregnant--on her 40th birthday discovers that she is pregnant with her one and only daughter (not knowing at that juncture if she really wanted to be pregnant).

So who was I to worry about doctors abject advice that 35 is "advanced maternal age" Seriously. I'm not suggesting that one should purposely wait until 35 to begin their family if they can avoid it, but who says one should still try at 35? Not me!

So today...my plans are these...go to work..urgh, go to my aerobics class, at 7 p.m. trigger for ovulation!!! Then go to a lovely Spaghetti dinner at my favorite NON CHAIN Italian restaurant. I can almost taste the sour dough bread that they bring on a paddle complete with sour cream butter. Yum!

Monday, November 1, 2010

National Blog Posting Month

I'm not sure if I signed up correctly or not but I'm going to pretend like I did. 

While I've seen the thirty posts in thirty days with "questions" to answer I don't think that this is what that is.  Again, I could be wrong but again I'm going to pretend like I'm not.  All I know is that I'm supposed to post every day for thirty days, and I suppose I can handle that.

I'm skipping my wet work out tonight. There are a few reasons. First work is a nightmare. I seriously wish I was independently wealthy and could walk away. Our department of 8 has been cut in half since May. Our workload however has increased by 66% on a daily basis. Secondly my ovary-yes singular-the one on the left specifically is quite uncomfortable. This makes perfect sense as that is where the bulk of my 6 follicles are. My fear is OHSS given that even when briefly pregnant I never had ovarian pain!

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday, along with trigger day. GULP. I'm nervous about both. If I become pregnant then I will have ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE plastered across my medical chart. They will certainly request that we proceed with amniocentesis, chronic villa sampling, and other tests that I am 100% not interested in undergoing. Alternately if I don't become pregnant we're all the closer to the day when our insurance no longer covers our meds. Sigh.

Tomorrow being my birthday I will be at work. Ugh. Then I am going to my water aerobics class providing my ovaries haven't exited my body through my belly button. Following that my hubby plans on taking me to an Italian dinner complete with Spumoni sundae...so no excuses I must get to my water aerobics class...I must I must...I must!

Until then I bid you a fond NaBloPoMo!