Friday, December 31, 2010


Happy New Years Eve!

I've made the dip, I've visited my parents, and now I'm ready to wish this year away.

Another trip around the sun has been completed. Another even year is behind us. Two years have passed since I should have made my husband a father. 365 days have passed again without another pregnancy to be had.

This coming year my estranged in-laws will become grandparents to their first living grand child. My nephew will be a year closer to driving-Lord help us all. My marriage will have reached the 13 year mark. Seconds become minutes. Minutes become hours. Hours become days. Days become months. Months become years. We trudge through these moments sometimes living in them and other times living for them. The tear that is shed because you open an unexpected gift-a moment you can't get back because it was so fleeting and oh so precious. Or those you hope to achieve "At this time next month, holiday, year I could be pregnant!"

I've made both of those proclamations--though not the latter so much this year. I think I've reached the acceptance point that at this junction I'm simply going through the motions. Two years without a pregnancy to follow the one that took us 10 years to achieve and only 7 weeks and 2 days to loose...its not likely to happen. So...I've made a decision.

This blog is titled 1 Day and one pound At A Time...and I'm getting back to that.

My husband is a runner. He used to not be. He lost 70+ pounds in under 10 months! It took me 3 months to loose 17 pounds, and about 7 months to gain them all back. Enough going through those motions. Its time to put up or shut up. It's time to get off the couch and reclaim my existence. Do you know why I haven't been to my aerobics class in WEEKS? Not because I was told I couldn't go to water aerobics but because I made the excuse "Well if I'm pregnant then it won't matter if I eat this extra *insert any junk food here*. So while I was not only busy not getting pregnant I was also busy getting fat because I couldn't say no to the cookies, or brownies, or cheese, or other junk food that looked good at the moment.

So my so many others is to get back at it. It's not a mole hill, its a mountain and its going to take some time and effort to climb to the top. A journey of 1000 miles begins with the first step...and while I may not have a child to walk with me I have a lot more miles to go and there is no reason why I have to travel them on a scooter because I'm now too fat to walk around our plan on a 50+ degree day without becoming winded while walking up a slight grade (this actually happened today).

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Moody Blues...

I so very much can't wait for my week to be over tomorrow.

Lets be honest, I can't wait for the year to be over tomorrow!

Work has been a bear for such a short period of having to be there. Add to that the knowledge that I am 98% likely not pregnant. I've decided to down grade from 100% just so that I don't sound too morose. Did it work?

I have done very well at keeping my bad mood away from the work place, but by the time I get home I'm quite miserable and blue. Pookey even told the puppy to stay away from me tonight lest I take my frustrations out on her. Well that only worked so long as she wasn't under my feet or chewing on my knee high boots.

Given that I typically pull 10 day LP's with IUI cycles I imagine that my period will arrive on Sunday...and with it insurance changes...that will likely yield us unable to try again. Sigh.

I'm rambling so I shall close...for now...just for now...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

My Own Pity Party...

Biology like faith has failed me.

There is no way I could have gotten pregnant this cycle.

My P4 is so low that my temps are already falling in response. My left ovary is likely covered in cysts based on the pain emanating from it. We will know for sure on CD 3 when they will finally relent and do an ultrasound. OHSS has been ruled out.

To say I'm bummed out already at 7 dpo is an understatement.

We followed the identical protocol that we followed when I got pregnant.

5 dpo progesterone was 75.
6 dpo breasts started to hurt.
7 dpo soft cervix, increased CM
8 dpo mood swings that made me certain that I was PMSing
9 dpo Taco Bell cravings
10 dpo implantation spotting.
11-13 dpo all of the above less the implantation spotting.
14 dpo BFP.

This cycle

5 dpo p4 was 16.

Offered HCG booster to try to stabilize lining, but really whats the point? I'm not pregnant. That is completely obvious, and based on the changes to our insurance as of Saturday morning this was likely our last cycle...It failed, I already know this. Bring on the booze and the ski trip on Monday...maybe if I get lucky I will be the victim of an avalanche...or at least a rouge snow boarder who puts me in a coma until menopause...

Monday, December 27, 2010

5 Days Post The Big Big O...

Today finds me sitting firmly at 5 dpo.

I wish I could say that I feel like something is going on that leads me to believe that I'm the big P, alas I feel no differently today than I did 10 days ago when I was sitting at 5 days prior to ovulation. I know at this stage of the game there isn't anything going on that should indicate that something might be going on but still...I would hope for something...

Our holiday was grand.

My husband and I had a wonderful weekend full of activity, food, friends and gifts.

On Christmas Eve we celebrated together as we always do. We got up and went to breakfast-apparently there was a tiff between our waitress and the other waitress on the floor. Let me just say there was no Christmas love being shared there! When we got home we exchanged our gifts--one in particular brought a tear to my eye. I am now the very happy owner of a 1/4 karat Open Heart Necklace. I was shocked because I hadn't asked for it, and second because it had been many many moons ago that I mentioned my love of them. It was quite a shock!

On Christmas Day we woke early again and headed to my parents home. My sister, niece, and nephew came and joined us for breakfast which I cooked to give mom a break. My nephew who is 5 was getting very antsy and at one point turned on my Mom's CD player and decreed "You have until the end of this song to finish cleaning up then I'm opening everyone's presents" My one year old niece was more interested in the balls on the tree than the gifts under it, while my Mother and Husband continually had heart attacks when she would take one of the tree and put it in her mouth--as if I would let her keep it there!

The day after Christmas we hosted a party here. EVERYONE we invited arrived at once with the exception of one couple who came after all of those people had left. It was a very full, very long day for all...but it was a delightful one none the less. Now if I can figure out a way to reduce the number of jello salads, cookies, pies, and left over rigatoni that I have in the fridge I will deem that cycle of events a success.

As for the other cycle in which this post is entitled...well we still have a few days to ponder that one but if I were a betting woman I would say that like all the others with the exception of AJ's, that this too is a bust. However being 5 dpo I do reserve the right to change my opinion of that status at any time!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

A Christmas Query...

It's Christmas Day!

I hope Santa was good to all of you. He certainly was to me this year. Of course if it weren't for a very important birth we wouldn't be celebrating this day at all. Of course all too quickly once the snow has melted and the days have become longer we will celebrate that very babes death. 33 years in just 5 short months, remarkable.

Anyway...It's Christmas Day! I'm 2 days post ovulation! As I type this I'm slightly crampish, but nothing horrible or indicative that in a few days I will be gulping Gatorade and chicken broth by the bucketful. However there was an oddity to the day. One that I wasn't clearly able to investigate as I was sharing space with a 12 month old and her 5 year old brother who didn't care that a closed bathroom door meant DO NOT ENTER!

I urinated, wiped and there it was a copious amount of EWCM with enough blood in it to tinge it yellow. I've never experienced this before. It's way to early for implantation, but far too late for ovulation as I triggered many days ago. So what the heck could it be? In my mind if it was residual blood from ovulation it would have been brown, and the CM shouldn't be EW but rather creamy. Alas biology says that ovulation occurred 2 days ago and implantation should conception have occurred won't happen for another 5 days at minimum. Again I ask...what the heck was that???

Any suggestions???

Thursday, December 23, 2010

A Crisis of Faith and Science...

Today the fate of my cycle was decided.

I've ovulated.

We introduced sperm to my uterus.

Now the rest is up to God and Biology.

Of course I can't put much stock in either right now on this eve of Christmas Eve.

For the earlier I question--How can you "allow" my unmarried sister in law who doesn't have a job, who dropped out of high school, whom was married and divorced by 20, and whom smokes get pregnant but after 10 years when Pookey and I finally got pregnant we miscarry our baby. How can an all knowing, loving God allow that to happen? So I turn my head, heart and back on faith for a moment and focus on Biology. Then before you know it I'm talking to God about this again for you see as angry as I want to be that the drug addict, the welfare recipient, or octomom get pregnant and have their babies I still bow my head in prayer every night, and just about every meal. I forget that I've stated "its all biology God has nothing to do with it" as I bow my head and beg, plead, and barter for just ONE MORE CHANCE...

Then in the cruel light of a winters day when the final injection has been given, when there are 96,000 sperm swimming in a cup, and I am laying on a table in a paper dress I say "its all biology" Of course then I get angry and ask--if its all biology, if its all science then WHY do IVF's and IUI's fail? After all its biology! If I remember my junior high school text correctly--I as a post pubescent pre-menopausal woman the following happens. On CD 1 I shed my non pregnant uterine lining. Between then and CD 14 the lining is shed, and regrows as estrogen and LH levels increase. On CD 14 without deviation an ovary (the opposite of the one that ovulated the following cycle) releases and egg. Now we flip to my health class text. If on cycle day 14 you have intercourse, or heavy petting at which time ejaculation occurs and you get just one sperm on your underpants that sperm fertilizes the egg. On cycle day 28 without deviation if sperm and egg have joined forces that you realize AHAH...You're pregnant because EVERY WOMAN ovulates on cycle day 14 and their next period--should sperm not have met egg because one didn't have sex or heavy petting--arrives.

It's simple right? It's biology! It says so right on page 12 of my text book!

Well if that is the case then I'm pregnant with Quintuplets, and since according to the text pregnancy lasts a total of 42 weeks from conception then they will be born in September. It's simple right? It's biology!

Yea, I'm not so sure either...

Still on this eve of Christmas I'm going to try to believe that it is that simple. That sperm met egg(s), and that I am pregnant. However just for added insurance I will as always bow my head tonight and pray. I will pray as I always do for those whom I love, and for those whom I don't love as much. I will also pray that I am pregnant. I will pray that a few of those sperm made it to their targets and that life is being created as I sleep. I will further pray that the life inside of me is kept safe from now until September. Then I will barter--I would give up my job, my car, my nice suburban life if I could experience for a moment what my sister in law who doesn't have nearly what we have does...for after all if I were to be honest...I would give it up in a heart beat--I'd give up the two car, condo living, 3% raise garnering job if for just one moment I could hold my child in my arms and know that I may not have it all, but that I do....have it all...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

3 Percent...

It's that time of year again, and no I'm not talking about Christmas or New Years though they occur at this time every year also.  Not of course that you can convince those last minute shoppers at the mall of this yearly event.  No, they panic and act surprised as if Christmas fails to fall on the 25th of December on a cyclical basis.  With a little less regularity though during the same week or two period also falls yearly review time at work, and today happened to be mine.

Generally I enjoy my job.  Truly I do.  I go in at 8 a.m. and leave at 4:30 and when I say leave I mean leave.  I do not bring the problems home with me.  My evenings and weekends are mine unless of course the work place bully has stomped through my department spewing venom at anyone who dares breathe while in her presence.  At this point I vent for a good half hour or so and then proceed to move about my evening often finding that it is on those eves that I make it to my aerobics class and while the look on my face may be dower I do get a good work out in.  Alas since telling the bully off almost two weeks ago our paths have only crossed professionally as she no longer seems to feel the need to use our department as the crossroads to the rest of the building.  Still, despite the good I simply couldn't shake the feeling that my days were numbered.  A fear that my friends at work told me was completely paranoid and unfounded.  Alas one admitted to those same feelings herself given that our department has dwindled due to an involuntary lay off, and three voluntary terminations of employment that it does not give one great confidence in our own longevity within the organization.  Thus when my personal boss advised that today would be my review I was less than anxious for the outcome, but I need not have been...

Apparently for all intents and purposes I play well with others--even though I recently told the workplace bully off.  My areas for improvement we listed as the general "I need to fill in this space with something"  jumble that is a typical review.  My strengths were noted, and complimented and in the end despite speculation that we were again in a moratorium on pay increases I was given the "if we throw you a bone you won't quit right?"  raise of 3%.  I'd say I was disappointed if it weren't for the fact that we were expecting nothing, and I walked away with something.  Yet that isn't even what made the whole process worth it.

No, what made the whole process worth it was when my boss reached out his hand and shook mine--not in a conciliatory manner, but in a warm gesture and said "I want you to know that it's a great pleasure to work with and to be associated with you"  This was my second review with this company with this particular boss and I can honestly say that this was a first and that alone was worth a job well done...

Monday, December 20, 2010

What Can Brown Do For You?

Tomorrow the UPS man will be delivering a dose of my Ovidrel.

In 12 hours 11 hours and 52 minutes, not that I'm counting I will poke my belly for the second to last time this cycle.  Not that I'm counting or anything.

My worst fear is that I will check the tracking information on the UPS site tomorrow and instead of saying "out for delivery"  it will say "ACT OF GOD DELIVERY FAILURE..."  Of course that isn't what the site would would say "Emergency conditions out of our control..."  but its the same difference. 

What can brown do for me?  They can deliver my package on time, not bent, spindled, nor mutilated and they had best use a number 2 pencil for if they fail in any of the above it will be on their permanent record.

Ok, so my attempts a humor tonight are a bit lame....but you can't say I didn't try! 

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Tossed Salad And Scrambled Eggs...

Our last real vacation was in 2008.  When it was planned we were to attend a vacation/gaming conference in Boston.  I was also to be 5 months pregnant when we left.  We went on vacation that year, but instead chose to go to the beach-alone.  Since then we've taken day trips, weekend ventures, and even have a ski trip planned for the beginning of  January 2011.  I could be pregnant at that time, I could not be but that isn't stopping us from going or not going.  The same is true of our impending vacation.

Pookey (as is his nickname) came into the living room and said "How would you like to go to Seattle?"  Uhm well sure, when?  August 11-15th.  I immediately agreed.  I can't wait to see the Space Needle, and I can't wait to go to Pikes Place Market to see the fish market.  He can't wait to go see the mountains.

I could have easily said "Well, if I get pregnant then I really can't fly..."  but that never even crossed my mind until after hew as on the phone making our reservations.  Even as that thought crossed my mind however I didn't stop him.  Sure I could be pregnant and not able to go...alternately I could not be pregnant and be able to go...but why plan our life around that?

I'm going skiing in a week and a half, and I'm going on vacation in August.

In other words I'm planning on living my life, not planning on what might or might not happen...Seattle here we come!  

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin',
Tossed salad and scrambled eggs

Oh My

And maybe I seem a bit confused,
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
They're callin' again.

  They're callin' again.
Good night, Seattle, we love you.
What is a boy to do. Good night.
Frasier has left the building.
Thank You!
Scambled eggs all over my face. What is a boy to do. Goodnight, everybody.
See you next year, we love ya. "

We're planning a vacation...and we're planning on living our lives.

See you next year Seattle, we love ya!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Connecting The Dots...

While my husband is completely over his cold I am not.  Mine started yesterday with a sore throat and a foul mood.  Today I woke with an even worse sore throat, and clogged ears.  Of course he apologized for getting me sick, and then offered to buy me any number of cold and flu remedies only to be reminded that Tylenol or Benedryl are the only things that I can take Sigh.

Tonight was supposed to be a two shot night that became three.

See I'm on CD 11 and that means both FSH and Ganirelix.  The dual dose started last night in an attempt to prevent early ovulation--Ironic isn't it?  You give yourself one shot to grow eggs so that you will ovulate, and then you have to give yourself another so that you don't ovulate too early.  Then a few days after that you give yourself yet another shot to countermand that injection so that your nice plump follicles actually spew forth their prize.  Put a quarter in me, and turn the knob!

Anyway, I discovered that if you chill the Ganirelix that it doesn't sting like a bee when you inject your belly. However what I didn't count on was a deep purple bruise instead of the normal light yellow green one.  I also did not count on my Follistim only having 25 IU's left in my cartridge when one is expected to give themselves 175 units on a nightly basis.  So tonight instead of two injections I was required to do 3.  I'm telling you by the time I inject that Ovidrel I'm going to be able to connect the dots on my belly and make a very interesting abstract piece of art work.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I've Got Some News For You....

"I"m pregnant..."

Not me of course.  Hell I had to look at the calendar to actually remember what cycle day I am on.  Cycle day 9 if any one really wants to know.  I really loose track at this point as I go for blood letting on a daily basis now and its become rather monotonous. husband has been estranged from his family for a year.  It was completely by his choice, and for good reason but it always bothered me.  So I asked him if he wanted me to send his parents a Christmas card.  When he agreed I did, and I then gave them his cell phone number.  His mother called on Tuesday and left a voice mail.  His sister called tonight.  His unmarried, unemployed, I've had my car repossessed sister who tells him "I've got some news for you..."  As he relayed to me he knew what the news was before the words escaped her lips.

He told her he was happy for her if this is what she wants--he also found out that she is 16 weeks along and due in May.

Me, I'm rather numb.  I have come a long way in regard to pregnancy announcements.  My own sister was in the same boat as my hubby's sister when she announced she was pregnant, minus the repossession of course.  My reaction was to cry, wail and beg for death.  With her second baby I lied and told her how happy I was for her, and that no I didn't wish it were me at all. With this baby--a baby that I'm only connected too by marriage I'm numb against.

As I told my hubby--he has some decisions to make in how he is going to be with his family before we even cross the bridge of how I'm expected to handle being an aunt by marriage.  As he pointed out he has 5 months before either become a real pressing issue.  Of course by then I know we're both hoping that we have some news of our own...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Two Years...It Should Be Your Birthday...

You should be two today.  Well probably not today, I'm going to wager a guess that I would have been induced two weeks prior to your due date given my history but I will never know.  Instead April 8th and December 15th are your days.  April 8th we confirmed your existence with a home pregnancy test.  Mommy was so excited, while Daddy was a bit pale.  On the 9th the nurse called and confirmed what the pregnancy test had already told me, I was indeed with child.  On that day we gave you your name-we were certain you would be a boy.

If you had arrived on your due date you would have shared a birthday with your Aunt, and you would have been a Sagittarius. 

Today you would be 2.  We would have picked you up from day care and swooped you into our arms.  We would have made you your favorite dinner-but what would it be?  Would you have been a picky eater, or one who eats anything and everything like your cousin TC?  I think we would have done cup cakes instead of a big cake.  Mommy finds herself very tired after work--so much so that she hasn't been to her water aerobics class at all again this week. 

Today we would have watched you open a few presents, and encouraged you to talk to your grand parents on the phone when they called to wish you a happy day.

Instead this morning as I stood in the shower I thought of you, and was grateful that if you can't be here with me that you're in heaven with a cousin who never got to walk on this Earth and all four of your Great Grandparents. 

Later this morning I was prodded and assured that while I screwed up the other day that I haven't totally messed up any hopes of having another baby.  I may have delayed my trigger , but didn't completely ruin the cycle.  

Tonight I continued to inject my belly with FSH in the hopes that we will maybe get lucky again. I'm hoping so for not unlike the cycle when we conceived you I'm very mellow.  Just like with your cycle I am not staring at the clock, and I'm not counting down the days until my potential trigger shot, ovulation, or insemination.  Instead I'm thinking "this isn't going to work so don't get yourself in a tizzy"  I believe that this is your gift to me, the gift of calm and heaven knows I need it.

Little guy, I think of you always but even more so today--on what should have been your birthday.  You never blessed us with your physical presence but your essence will never be forgotten.  I love you. 

Love Mommy

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I Forgot...Oh No!!!

I had a horrible afternoon at work yesterday.  I finally had it with the work bully and told her off.  Ironically it was my boss who made her apologize to me because she bullied him too and he is the boss!  This woman has been sent to anger management class but obviously that didn't work.  So I left there calmly, but the underlying frustration much so that when I went to bed at 9:15 that I had done so without giving myself my FSH!

I have forgotten for a few hours before but NEVER completely forgotten the entire process!

Worse, I didn't even remember when my husband woke up at 3 a.m. with his nightly coughing fit when his Nyquil wore off thus starting his cold up again.  Nope I didn't remember until I had gotten up, took the puppy out to urninate, and then came in to take a shower.  Only then did I break into a sweat and start to panic.  SERIOUSLY WHO DOES THIS? 

I've already got a call in to the nurse--do I skip the shot?  Do I double up tonight?  Did I completely screw up this cycle?  Granted this was only the 4th day of injections and I go in tomorrow for a peak a boo...but still when would it be worse?  When they are getting the message to grow, or when they are in their finishing phase?  I'm telling you if this cycle fails the bully is going to think my telling her off over passing the buck is going to look like a friendly tea party!

Monday, December 13, 2010

All I Want For Christmas....

Despite the rough two days we have had with our fur baby we decided to brave the elements and go to see Santa.  Our local mall sponsored a 2 hour event where you could bring any pet (apparently Santa posed with 5 rats last week) and have his or her photo taken with Santa.  Bentley apparently believes that she is an 80 pound lab as she much prefered the big dogs while running away from the 12 pound Yorkie who was in line in front of us.  We had so much fun in line with other puppy owners and their pets.

Bentley I must say was the star of the show as people continually asked what kind of pup she was, how old she was, could they take her home, and would I mind if they held; pet; or took a photo of her.  I said sure to all.  She really hasn't had an opportunity to socialize, and this was the perfect opportunity to see how she would react.

She neglected to tell the big guy that she disemboweled her Rudolph chew toy last weekend so she was the recipient of a carob covered dog bone. 


This isn't her professional $17 photo, but one that I snapped "just in case"  it didn't go so well...

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Puppy Angst...

Three weeks ago we brought home our adorable fur ball.  We raved about how good she is.

This weekend she has completely reverted to a tiny terror. 

Week 1 she had THREE accidents in 7 days.

This weekend in two days she has had FOUR.  Even though we are diligent in making sure that she is taken outside every hour she continues to test our patience.

The poor cat hasn't been able to have free rein all weekend because said little puppy has decided that terrorizing her is top priority.  The poor cat is 8 years old, all she wants to do is curl up in a ball and sit on someones lap.  She does not want a 3 1/2 pound hair ball to chase her whenever the mood strikes her.

This morning took the cake.  We're crate training until she decided that she can be trusted not to eat the Christmas tree, chew the grape vine rocking chair, pee on the carpet etc.  At night she is put to bed with her beloved candy cane chew toy-and her blanket.  She sleeps from 10:30-6 a.m.  this has not been deviated from until today that is.  At 5:45 I hear whining outside our bedroom door.  Unusual I thought since her crate is in the living room, but then I discovered why--she had UNZIPPED her crate, crawled under under the blanket we cover said crate with and found our bedroom in the dark.  She was oh so pleased with herself until she discovered that not only is it cold today but that is also raining.

Which leads me to another issue--it's raining so guess who refuses to try to go potty know because its wet, and she doesn't like being wet...sigh.

I keep thinking if a puppy is this hard imagine how difficult the baby is going to be!  Of course the baby won't be able to escape from his or her crib until he or she is able to stand up on their own...

Friday, December 10, 2010

So It Begins...and Being DONE!!!

Today was an exceptionally busy day before, during, and after working hours.

It's cycle day three and we all know what that means.  The poking and prodding has begun.  I keep watching the minutes tick away until the appointed hour when I will inject myself with egg promoting FSH. 

During work we were crazy for the 7 hours that I was required to focus.  For one additional hour two co-workers and I enjoyed an Italian lunch.  Of course my mind was else where during those 60 minutes and I remember little if any of the conversation that was had around me.  Still it was nice to get away from the bustle that is my working day.

Immediately after work I headed to the local shopping complex less than a mile from home and completed my hubby's Christmas shopping.  He very much wanted an Ipod touch, and well he got one.  He is going to be SO excited.  He mentioned awhile ago that he too would like a basket ball so that he could shot hoops.  In my brilliance knowing that he would recognize the shape of the Ipod touch alone or in a different box I ended up taping it to the top of the basketball box.  I put the box on top of all of that and hope that he will be none the wiser.  I way over spent this year, but I figure that its an event that only comes once a year and we did get our bonuses what the heck!

So now, with the exception of finishing my Christmas cards--which are also home made I'm done and it feels great.  Of course now the real craziness begins for in 28 minutes I have to stab my tummy and hope that in 4 weeks that I will be telling you guys that I'm pregnant!!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


You may totally disregard yesterdays post regarding the two day wait.  It's out of date less than 13 hours after I hit publish.

Out of date for today is cycle day 1.  Yup, I am early.  This happens quite often, I get a 22 day cycle while on Provera.  According to my instructions I am to take the Provera from CD 16 until CD 25 so that I will have that mythical 28 day cycle.  We have chosen the Provera route because I have difficulty on the pill, but alas Provera truly can't be counted on to make this stubborn body of mine cooperate.

I was nervous enough about the start of this next cycle.  This is very likely the last one, unless the billing department at the RE's office can assure me that my injectable coverage will not be an issue.  Then I said a prayer last night regarding a pregnancy, and then dreamed of positive pregnancy tests, c-sections, and lost babies.  This is not what I meant when I asked for a sign.  So I'm guessing the surprise of an early AF is just what I did request no???

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

2 Day Wait...And Other Count Downs...

Tonight and tomorrow mark the final 2 provera pills that I must consume. 

I can't say that this comes a moment too soon.  I've been cranky, I've been hormonal, I've been an absolute horrendous wife.  Even something as simple as home made Christmas cards wasn't enough to pull me out of the drudgery that is Provera.

Two more pills then its over!  Two more pills and then a three day wait.  Five days till AF will be here.  Eight days until I will be on CD 3.  Eight days until my EDD with our baby AJ.  Eight days until I will be on the table being wanded.

I'm off to my water aerobics class and then I'm off to do some Christmas shopping.  I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I was given an unexpected credit limit increase on one of my credit cards AND I found out that our Christmas bonus is being given on Friday.  So I'm going to stop wailing about how hormonal I am.  I'm going to stop wailing about how much I hate December.  I'm going to stop being mad at the puppy who peed on my floor.  I'm going to enjoy this happy time.  I'm going to enjoy the next two days and all of those who follow.

I would like to say I have a good feeling about this upcoming cycle...but you know what, I'm refraining from all of that.  Instead I'm going to take it one day...or in this case two days at a time...but hey whose counting?

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Crying Over Spilled Soda...

Today was going swimmingly.

My hubby worked this morning to add to his over time bank.  I had a girlfriend and her 2 year old daughter come over for a photo shoot-she needed an inexpensive gift for her husband who is a "99er"  and she likes my photography.  I threw hot sausage and meat balls in the crock pot and even started making my hand made Christmas cards for the year.

Then it happened.  I was sitting on the couch with hubby once he got home and managed to spill a glass of Diet Dr. Pepper on me, him, the couch and more importantly my laptop.

I immediately jumped up for paper towels instead of shutting the computer down and that is likely where I made my error.  Liquid managed to get to the mother board and fried it. 

"I've already spent enough money on your Christmas gifts..."  My husband advised me when I asked if we could replace it.  He has offered to transfer my data from my hard drive which is likely undamaged to his computer but as far as having ease of movement and privacy well that is all gone.

I spent 30 minutes in tears as I tried to take my laptop apart-not that it would do any good. 

After Thursday I thought that I could catch up hormonally and that not every little thing would set me off, but this did.  I once again feel vulnerable, and out of sorts.  I should be grateful, my husband bought me a car three weeks ago.  Its used, but its mine.  I can't then be ungrateful and demand that he plunk down $400 on a laptop just so I can blog in private...but that doesn't mean I can't cry over it.

I hate December...have I mentioned that?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Hormonal Much?

I am seriously feeling overwhelmed tonight.

At first I couldn't explain it.

I had a pretty good day at work.  Then I came home...

I stepped in dog poop-obviously it belonged to a dog far larger than the little bits our puppy produces.  Of course this was done unknowingly so I tracked dog poop through my entry way, into the dining room, through the hall and into our bedroom before taking them off--at which time I still hadn't realized I had done it.  No that didn't come until my husband yelled "Did you step in dog shit?"  while i was in the bathroom.  "I don't know I"m in bare feet and in the bathroom"  Alas when I checked my boot sure enough the evidence indicted me, I had indeed stepped in dog poop.  Out came the steam cleaner and my mood.  I needed to go to the grocery store, bake a cake, and try to get to my water aerobics class--oh and at some point eat dinner.  In no particular order.  My husband offered to clean the carpet, but no I had to play the martyr.  I steam cleaned every inch and more that I had tracked up.

When that was done I started the cake, and set the timer and then I headed to the grocery store.

Upon my return home I discovered that while the dog attempted to urinate on her puppy pad she did so on the edge and ultimately got urine on the tile.  This was when I discovered that I was missing the paper towels that were part of my $70 "quick trip" to the store.  Immediately I yelled at my husband about how frustrated I was and how overwhelmed I was feeling.  Of course I then yelled because he wouldn't go back to the grocery store to retrieve my missing paper towels.

Second trip to the grocery store I secure my paper towels and growled at the Salvation Army bell ringers who wished me a Merry Christmas.  I didn't even bother buckle my seat belt nor did I show courtesy to the driver in front of me by giving them at least 3 feet of personal space between my vehicle and theirs.   When I got home I apologized for being so nasty and proceeded to thank my hubby for unpacking the backs.  This all went to hell when I said "Where is the frosting?"  He looked at me crossed eyed "Frosting?  There wasn't any frosting and you forgot my grapes too"  according to my receipt I didn't.  So he checked and marked off the items that we were missing.  Of course this time I really went off the deep end and added some tears to my ultimate frustration.

My third trip I was successful, I found the items that were missing, and was able to finally complete the circuit.  I apologized again to my long suffering husband and then proceeded cry again just because I could.  I never did make it to the gym, and the cake is still not done...but I am bound and determine that by the time I go to bed that I will have completed my sweet treat for work tomorrow...which TGIF because if I had to put in any more time I would so go further off the deep end...