Monday, November 29, 2010

I'm A Fraud...A Fake...A Phony...

How was that for an attention grabbing headline?

I feel as if I'm all of the above.  I have not told anyone that we've stepped on the gas and are hurling towards the end of our infertility journey.  They, being friends and family think that we crossed that line a long time ago.  I only found out about the changes to our insurance from a friend who works in the medical field.  Her email began with "I know you haven't thought about infertility  in a long time but if you are interested..."  I read the memo from our insurance company with rapt attention.  The next day when she asked if I had received it I simply said yes and moved on.  I'm a fake.  I was devastated when I read the changes coming to injectable medications as it pertains to infertility treatments.  Grateful however was I also when a few weeks later our insurance liaison gave us the same speech as what was laid out in the original memo.

My family doesn't ask any more.  Not that they were all that supportive when they did know.  Unlike my other two sisters who experienced either secondary or primary infertility that they were able to over come naturally I was deemed the "dramatic one"  who needed to "just relax" and to stop talking about it.  Now that I have they simply don't even acknowledge it.  My sisters birthday isn't remembered as my due date also, but just her birthday.  Thanks family.

It's a shame that I feel the need to live this double life.  I wind up in the hospital with OHSS and instead of sharing that I tell them that it was ovarian cysts.  My period comes after another BFN, and instead of being able to mourn that I have to celebrate some one's BFP without any glimmer of disappointment from me. 

December 15th this year will bring with it my final CD 3 and yet the only people who will know about it are those who read this blog, my doctor, my husband, and me.  Isn't that pitiful...

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