AF will be here today. No implantation dip for me. I know that yesterday I was so completely stoic and accepting of my fate but today as I sit here in the darkness of the early morning I find myself frustrated and angry.
EVERYTHING was perfect.
Timing was dead on.
Cervical mucus was as egg white and copious as I have EVER seen it.
Egg production was beautiful.
Tadpoles in place.
I believe in God, but I won't ever call myself religious. I can't quote scripture like others do to get them through this. I do pray at night, and let me tell you that last nights prayer was angry. I just will never understand how the high school kids who get caught with their pants down wind up pregnant the very "first time". I will never understand how the drug user who doesn't know who the father could be winds up pregnant not once but a bunch of times. I will never understand why the one who goes through three IVF's only to become pregnant with twins looses them to a genetic abnormality. I will never understand how it was that we were allowed this miracle of pregnancy ourselves--a teaser pregnancy--only to have it taken away and to never be able to experience it again ourselves.
Perhaps I should contact Kate, or Octo(mom) to see how it is that they were able to have such great success multiple times and I have to continue to fuss and fight for just one more...
I'm really sorry this wasn't the month for you. I totally understand how you're feeling. I find myself having those same thoughts... about why would God choose to give this person a child over me. My boss is an attorney that donates all of his time helping abused children. So sure enough about once a week we get a story where an infant or toddler has been brutalized and I really question it then.. Why give a baby to someone who is going to cause it so much harm.... I guess I'll never have those answers.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, sorry for the rant. Hopefully next month will be better for you. :-)