AF will be here today. No implantation dip for me. I know that yesterday I was so completely stoic and accepting of my fate but today as I sit here in the darkness of the early morning I find myself frustrated and angry.
EVERYTHING was perfect.
Timing was dead on.
Cervical mucus was as egg white and copious as I have EVER seen it.
Egg production was beautiful.
Tadpoles in place.
I believe in God, but I won't ever call myself religious. I can't quote scripture like others do to get them through this. I do pray at night, and let me tell you that last nights prayer was angry. I just will never understand how the high school kids who get caught with their pants down wind up pregnant the very "first time". I will never understand how the drug user who doesn't know who the father could be winds up pregnant not once but a bunch of times. I will never understand why the one who goes through three IVF's only to become pregnant with twins looses them to a genetic abnormality. I will never understand how it was that we were allowed this miracle of pregnancy ourselves--a teaser pregnancy--only to have it taken away and to never be able to experience it again ourselves.
Perhaps I should contact Kate, or Octo(mom) to see how it is that they were able to have such great success multiple times and I have to continue to fuss and fight for just one more...