Thursday, December 23, 2010

A Crisis of Faith and Science...

Today the fate of my cycle was decided.

I've ovulated.

We introduced sperm to my uterus.

Now the rest is up to God and Biology.

Of course I can't put much stock in either right now on this eve of Christmas Eve.

For the earlier I question--How can you "allow" my unmarried sister in law who doesn't have a job, who dropped out of high school, whom was married and divorced by 20, and whom smokes get pregnant but after 10 years when Pookey and I finally got pregnant we miscarry our baby. How can an all knowing, loving God allow that to happen? So I turn my head, heart and back on faith for a moment and focus on Biology. Then before you know it I'm talking to God about this again for you see as angry as I want to be that the drug addict, the welfare recipient, or octomom get pregnant and have their babies I still bow my head in prayer every night, and just about every meal. I forget that I've stated "its all biology God has nothing to do with it" as I bow my head and beg, plead, and barter for just ONE MORE CHANCE...

Then in the cruel light of a winters day when the final injection has been given, when there are 96,000 sperm swimming in a cup, and I am laying on a table in a paper dress I say "its all biology" Of course then I get angry and ask--if its all biology, if its all science then WHY do IVF's and IUI's fail? After all its biology! If I remember my junior high school text correctly--I as a post pubescent pre-menopausal woman the following happens. On CD 1 I shed my non pregnant uterine lining. Between then and CD 14 the lining is shed, and regrows as estrogen and LH levels increase. On CD 14 without deviation an ovary (the opposite of the one that ovulated the following cycle) releases and egg. Now we flip to my health class text. If on cycle day 14 you have intercourse, or heavy petting at which time ejaculation occurs and you get just one sperm on your underpants that sperm fertilizes the egg. On cycle day 28 without deviation if sperm and egg have joined forces that you realize AHAH...You're pregnant because EVERY WOMAN ovulates on cycle day 14 and their next period--should sperm not have met egg because one didn't have sex or heavy petting--arrives.

It's simple right? It's biology! It says so right on page 12 of my text book!

Well if that is the case then I'm pregnant with Quintuplets, and since according to the text pregnancy lasts a total of 42 weeks from conception then they will be born in September. It's simple right? It's biology!

Yea, I'm not so sure either...

Still on this eve of Christmas I'm going to try to believe that it is that simple. That sperm met egg(s), and that I am pregnant. However just for added insurance I will as always bow my head tonight and pray. I will pray as I always do for those whom I love, and for those whom I don't love as much. I will also pray that I am pregnant. I will pray that a few of those sperm made it to their targets and that life is being created as I sleep. I will further pray that the life inside of me is kept safe from now until September. Then I will barter--I would give up my job, my car, my nice suburban life if I could experience for a moment what my sister in law who doesn't have nearly what we have does...for after all if I were to be honest...I would give it up in a heart beat--I'd give up the two car, condo living, 3% raise garnering job if for just one moment I could hold my child in my arms and know that I may not have it all, but that I do....have it all...


  1. What a moving post. I really hope this will give you your BFP. It would be your true Christmas miracle. :-)

  2. Great post. And so so freakin' true!! Have faith...God ONLY KNOWS! Cause' I sure as hell don't :)