You should be two today. Well probably not today, I'm going to wager a guess that I would have been induced two weeks prior to your due date given my history but I will never know. Instead April 8th and December 15th are your days. April 8th we confirmed your existence with a home pregnancy test. Mommy was so excited, while Daddy was a bit pale. On the 9th the nurse called and confirmed what the pregnancy test had already told me, I was indeed with child. On that day we gave you your name-we were certain you would be a boy.
If you had arrived on your due date you would have shared a birthday with your Aunt, and you would have been a Sagittarius.
Today you would be 2. We would have picked you up from day care and swooped you into our arms. We would have made you your favorite dinner-but what would it be? Would you have been a picky eater, or one who eats anything and everything like your cousin TC? I think we would have done cup cakes instead of a big cake. Mommy finds herself very tired after work--so much so that she hasn't been to her water aerobics class at all again this week.
Today we would have watched you open a few presents, and encouraged you to talk to your grand parents on the phone when they called to wish you a happy day.
Instead this morning as I stood in the shower I thought of you, and was grateful that if you can't be here with me that you're in heaven with a cousin who never got to walk on this Earth and all four of your Great Grandparents.
Later this morning I was prodded and assured that while I screwed up the other day that I haven't totally messed up any hopes of having another baby. I may have delayed my trigger , but didn't completely ruin the cycle.
Tonight I continued to inject my belly with FSH in the hopes that we will maybe get lucky again. I'm hoping so for not unlike the cycle when we conceived you I'm very mellow. Just like with your cycle I am not staring at the clock, and I'm not counting down the days until my potential trigger shot, ovulation, or insemination. Instead I'm thinking "this isn't going to work so don't get yourself in a tizzy" I believe that this is your gift to me, the gift of calm and heaven knows I need it.
Little guy, I think of you always but even more so today--on what should have been your birthday. You never blessed us with your physical presence but your essence will never be forgotten. I love you.