Resolutions...

Happy New Years Eve!

I've made the dip, I've visited my parents, and now I'm ready to wish this year away.

Another trip around the sun has been completed. Another even year is behind us. Two years have passed since I should have made my husband a father. 365 days have passed again without another pregnancy to be had.

This coming year my estranged in-laws will become grandparents to their first living grand child. My nephew will be a year closer to driving-Lord help us all. My marriage will have reached the 13 year mark. Seconds become minutes. Minutes become hours. Hours become days. Days become months. Months become years. We trudge through these moments sometimes living in them and other times living for them. The tear that is shed because you open an unexpected gift-a moment you can't get back because it was so fleeting and oh so precious. Or those you hope to achieve "At this time next month, holiday, year I could be pregnant!"

I've made both of those proclamations--though not the latter so much this year. I think I've reached the acceptance point that at this junction I'm simply going through the motions. Two years without a pregnancy to follow the one that took us 10 years to achieve and only 7 weeks and 2 days to loose...its not likely to happen. So...I've made a decision.

This blog is titled 1 Day and one pound At A Time...and I'm getting back to that.

My husband is a runner. He used to not be. He lost 70+ pounds in under 10 months! It took me 3 months to loose 17 pounds, and about 7 months to gain them all back. Enough going through those motions. Its time to put up or shut up. It's time to get off the couch and reclaim my existence. Do you know why I haven't been to my aerobics class in WEEKS? Not because I was told I couldn't go to water aerobics but because I made the excuse "Well if I'm pregnant then it won't matter if I eat this extra *insert any junk food here*. So while I was not only busy not getting pregnant I was also busy getting fat because I couldn't say no to the cookies, or brownies, or cheese, or other junk food that looked good at the moment.

So my resolution...like so many others is to get back at it. It's not a mole hill, its a mountain and its going to take some time and effort to climb to the top. A journey of 1000 miles begins with the first step...and while I may not have a child to walk with me I have a lot more miles to go and there is no reason why I have to travel them on a scooter because I'm now too fat to walk around our plan on a 50+ degree day without becoming winded while walking up a slight grade (this actually happened today).

The Moody Blues...

I so very much can't wait for my week to be over tomorrow.

Lets be honest, I can't wait for the year to be over tomorrow!

Work has been a bear for such a short period of having to be there. Add to that the knowledge that I am 98% likely not pregnant. I've decided to down grade from 100% just so that I don't sound too morose. Did it work?

I have done very well at keeping my bad mood away from the work place, but by the time I get home I'm quite miserable and blue. Pookey even told the puppy to stay away from me tonight lest I take my frustrations out on her. Well that only worked so long as she wasn't under my feet or chewing on my knee high boots.

Given that I typically pull 10 day LP's with IUI cycles I imagine that my period will arrive on Sunday...and with it insurance changes...that will likely yield us unable to try again. Sigh.

I'm rambling so I shall close...for now...just for now...

My Own Pity Party...

Biology like faith has failed me.

There is no way I could have gotten pregnant this cycle.

My P4 is so low that my temps are already falling in response. My left ovary is likely covered in cysts based on the pain emanating from it. We will know for sure on CD 3 when they will finally relent and do an ultrasound. OHSS has been ruled out.

To say I'm bummed out already at 7 dpo is an understatement.

We followed the identical protocol that we followed when I got pregnant.

5 dpo progesterone was 75.
6 dpo breasts started to hurt.
7 dpo soft cervix, increased CM
8 dpo mood swings that made me certain that I was PMSing
9 dpo Taco Bell cravings
10 dpo implantation spotting.
11-13 dpo all of the above less the implantation spotting.
14 dpo BFP.

This cycle

5 dpo p4 was 16.

Offered HCG booster to try to stabilize lining, but really whats the point? I'm not pregnant. That is completely obvious, and based on the changes to our insurance as of Saturday morning this was likely our last cycle...It failed, I already know this. Bring on the booze and the ski trip on Monday...maybe if I get lucky I will be the victim of an avalanche...or at least a rouge snow boarder who puts me in a coma until menopause...

5 Days Post The Big Big O...

Today finds me sitting firmly at 5 dpo.

I wish I could say that I feel like something is going on that leads me to believe that I'm the big P, alas I feel no differently today than I did 10 days ago when I was sitting at 5 days prior to ovulation. I know at this stage of the game there isn't anything going on that should indicate that something might be going on but still...I would hope for something...

Our holiday was grand.

My husband and I had a wonderful weekend full of activity, food, friends and gifts.

On Christmas Eve we celebrated together as we always do. We got up and went to breakfast-apparently there was a tiff between our waitress and the other waitress on the floor. Let me just say there was no Christmas love being shared there! When we got home we exchanged our gifts--one in particular brought a tear to my eye. I am now the very happy owner of a 1/4 karat Open Heart Necklace. I was shocked because I hadn't asked for it, and second because it had been many many moons ago that I mentioned my love of them. It was quite a shock!

On Christmas Day we woke early again and headed to my parents home. My sister, niece, and nephew came and joined us for breakfast which I cooked to give mom a break. My nephew who is 5 was getting very antsy and at one point turned on my Mom's CD player and decreed "You have until the end of this song to finish cleaning up then I'm opening everyone's presents" My one year old niece was more interested in the balls on the tree than the gifts under it, while my Mother and Husband continually had heart attacks when she would take one of the tree and put it in her mouth--as if I would let her keep it there!

The day after Christmas we hosted a party here. EVERYONE we invited arrived at once with the exception of one couple who came after all of those people had left. It was a very full, very long day for all...but it was a delightful one none the less. Now if I can figure out a way to reduce the number of jello salads, cookies, pies, and left over rigatoni that I have in the fridge I will deem that cycle of events a success.

As for the other cycle in which this post is entitled...well we still have a few days to ponder that one but if I were a betting woman I would say that like all the others with the exception of AJ's, that this too is a bust. However being 5 dpo I do reserve the right to change my opinion of that status at any time!

A Christmas Query...

It's Christmas Day!

I hope Santa was good to all of you. He certainly was to me this year. Of course if it weren't for a very important birth we wouldn't be celebrating this day at all. Of course all too quickly once the snow has melted and the days have become longer we will celebrate that very babes death. 33 years in just 5 short months, remarkable.

Anyway...It's Christmas Day! I'm 2 days post ovulation! As I type this I'm slightly crampish, but nothing horrible or indicative that in a few days I will be gulping Gatorade and chicken broth by the bucketful. However there was an oddity to the day. One that I wasn't clearly able to investigate as I was sharing space with a 12 month old and her 5 year old brother who didn't care that a closed bathroom door meant DO NOT ENTER!

I urinated, wiped and there it was a copious amount of EWCM with enough blood in it to tinge it yellow. I've never experienced this before. It's way to early for implantation, but far too late for ovulation as I triggered many days ago. So what the heck could it be? In my mind if it was residual blood from ovulation it would have been brown, and the CM shouldn't be EW but rather creamy. Alas biology says that ovulation occurred 2 days ago and implantation should conception have occurred won't happen for another 5 days at minimum. Again I ask...what the heck was that???

Any suggestions???

A Crisis of Faith and Science...

Today the fate of my cycle was decided.

I've ovulated.

We introduced sperm to my uterus.

Now the rest is up to God and Biology.

Of course I can't put much stock in either right now on this eve of Christmas Eve.

For the earlier I question--How can you "allow" my unmarried sister in law who doesn't have a job, who dropped out of high school, whom was married and divorced by 20, and whom smokes get pregnant but after 10 years when Pookey and I finally got pregnant we miscarry our baby. How can an all knowing, loving God allow that to happen? So I turn my head, heart and back on faith for a moment and focus on Biology. Then before you know it I'm talking to God about this again for you see as angry as I want to be that the drug addict, the welfare recipient, or octomom get pregnant and have their babies I still bow my head in prayer every night, and just about every meal. I forget that I've stated "its all biology God has nothing to do with it" as I bow my head and beg, plead, and barter for just ONE MORE CHANCE...

Then in the cruel light of a winters day when the final injection has been given, when there are 96,000 sperm swimming in a cup, and I am laying on a table in a paper dress I say "its all biology" Of course then I get angry and ask--if its all biology, if its all science then WHY do IVF's and IUI's fail? After all its biology! If I remember my junior high school text correctly--I as a post pubescent pre-menopausal woman the following happens. On CD 1 I shed my non pregnant uterine lining. Between then and CD 14 the lining is shed, and regrows as estrogen and LH levels increase. On CD 14 without deviation an ovary (the opposite of the one that ovulated the following cycle) releases and egg. Now we flip to my health class text. If on cycle day 14 you have intercourse, or heavy petting at which time ejaculation occurs and you get just one sperm on your underpants that sperm fertilizes the egg. On cycle day 28 without deviation if sperm and egg have joined forces that you realize AHAH...You're pregnant because EVERY WOMAN ovulates on cycle day 14 and their next period--should sperm not have met egg because one didn't have sex or heavy petting--arrives.

It's simple right? It's biology! It says so right on page 12 of my text book!

Well if that is the case then I'm pregnant with Quintuplets, and since according to the text pregnancy lasts a total of 42 weeks from conception then they will be born in September. It's simple right? It's biology!

Yea, I'm not so sure either...

Still on this eve of Christmas I'm going to try to believe that it is that simple. That sperm met egg(s), and that I am pregnant. However just for added insurance I will as always bow my head tonight and pray. I will pray as I always do for those whom I love, and for those whom I don't love as much. I will also pray that I am pregnant. I will pray that a few of those sperm made it to their targets and that life is being created as I sleep. I will further pray that the life inside of me is kept safe from now until September. Then I will barter--I would give up my job, my car, my nice suburban life if I could experience for a moment what my sister in law who doesn't have nearly what we have does...for after all if I were to be honest...I would give it up in a heart beat--I'd give up the two car, condo living, 3% raise garnering job if for just one moment I could hold my child in my arms and know that I may not have it all, but that I do....have it all...

3 Percent...

It's that time of year again, and no I'm not talking about Christmas or New Years though they occur at this time every year also.  Not of course that you can convince those last minute shoppers at the mall of this yearly event.  No, they panic and act surprised as if Christmas fails to fall on the 25th of December on a cyclical basis.  With a little less regularity though during the same week or two period also falls yearly review time at work, and today happened to be mine.

Generally I enjoy my job.  Truly I do.  I go in at 8 a.m. and leave at 4:30 and when I say leave I mean leave.  I do not bring the problems home with me.  My evenings and weekends are mine unless of course the work place bully has stomped through my department spewing venom at anyone who dares breathe while in her presence.  At this point I vent for a good half hour or so and then proceed to move about my evening often finding that it is on those eves that I make it to my aerobics class and while the look on my face may be dower I do get a good work out in.  Alas since telling the bully off almost two weeks ago our paths have only crossed professionally as she no longer seems to feel the need to use our department as the crossroads to the rest of the building.  Still, despite the good I simply couldn't shake the feeling that my days were numbered.  A fear that my friends at work told me was completely paranoid and unfounded.  Alas one admitted to those same feelings herself given that our department has dwindled due to an involuntary lay off, and three voluntary terminations of employment that it does not give one great confidence in our own longevity within the organization.  Thus when my personal boss advised that today would be my review I was less than anxious for the outcome, but I need not have been...

Apparently for all intents and purposes I play well with others--even though I recently told the workplace bully off.  My areas for improvement we listed as the general "I need to fill in this space with something"  jumble that is a typical review.  My strengths were noted, and complimented and in the end despite speculation that we were again in a moratorium on pay increases I was given the "if we throw you a bone you won't quit right?"  raise of 3%.  I'd say I was disappointed if it weren't for the fact that we were expecting nothing, and I walked away with something.  Yet that isn't even what made the whole process worth it.

No, what made the whole process worth it was when my boss reached out his hand and shook mine--not in a conciliatory manner, but in a warm gesture and said "I want you to know that it's a great pleasure to work with and to be associated with you"  This was my second review with this company with this particular boss and I can honestly say that this was a first and that alone was worth a job well done...

What Can Brown Do For You?

Tomorrow the UPS man will be delivering a dose of my Ovidrel.

In 12 hours 11 hours and 52 minutes, not that I'm counting I will poke my belly for the second to last time this cycle.  Not that I'm counting or anything.

My worst fear is that I will check the tracking information on the UPS site tomorrow and instead of saying "out for delivery"  it will say "ACT OF GOD DELIVERY FAILURE..."  Of course that isn't what the site would say...it would say "Emergency conditions out of our control..."  but its the same difference. 

What can brown do for me?  They can deliver my package on time, not bent, spindled, nor mutilated and they had best use a number 2 pencil for if they fail in any of the above it will be on their permanent record.

Ok, so my attempts a humor tonight are a bit lame....but you can't say I didn't try! 

Tossed Salad And Scrambled Eggs...

Our last real vacation was in 2008.  When it was planned we were to attend a vacation/gaming conference in Boston.  I was also to be 5 months pregnant when we left.  We went on vacation that year, but instead chose to go to the beach-alone.  Since then we've taken day trips, weekend ventures, and even have a ski trip planned for the beginning of  January 2011.  I could be pregnant at that time, I could not be but that isn't stopping us from going or not going.  The same is true of our impending vacation.

Pookey (as is his nickname) came into the living room and said "How would you like to go to Seattle?"  Uhm well sure, when?  August 11-15th.  I immediately agreed.  I can't wait to see the Space Needle, and I can't wait to go to Pikes Place Market to see the fish market.  He can't wait to go see the mountains.

I could have easily said "Well, if I get pregnant then I really can't fly..."  but that never even crossed my mind until after hew as on the phone making our reservations.  Even as that thought crossed my mind however I didn't stop him.  Sure I could be pregnant and not able to go...alternately I could not be pregnant and be able to go...but why plan our life around that?

I'm going skiing in a week and a half, and I'm going on vacation in August.

In other words I'm planning on living my life, not planning on what might or might not happen...Seattle here we come!  

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin',
Tossed salad and scrambled eggs

Oh My
Mercy

And maybe I seem a bit confused,
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
They're callin' again.

  They're callin' again.
Good night, Seattle, we love you.
What is a boy to do. Good night.
Frasier has left the building.
Thank You!
Scambled eggs all over my face. What is a boy to do. Goodnight, everybody.
See you next year, we love ya. "

We're planning a vacation...and we're planning on living our lives.

See you next year Seattle, we love ya!

Connecting The Dots...

While my husband is completely over his cold I am not.  Mine started yesterday with a sore throat and a foul mood.  Today I woke with an even worse sore throat, and clogged ears.  Of course he apologized for getting me sick, and then offered to buy me any number of cold and flu remedies only to be reminded that Tylenol or Benedryl are the only things that I can take Sigh.

Tonight was supposed to be a two shot night that became three.

See I'm on CD 11 and that means both FSH and Ganirelix.  The dual dose started last night in an attempt to prevent early ovulation--Ironic isn't it?  You give yourself one shot to grow eggs so that you will ovulate, and then you have to give yourself another so that you don't ovulate too early.  Then a few days after that you give yourself yet another shot to countermand that injection so that your nice plump follicles actually spew forth their prize.  Put a quarter in me, and turn the knob!

Anyway, I discovered that if you chill the Ganirelix that it doesn't sting like a bee when you inject your belly. However what I didn't count on was a deep purple bruise instead of the normal light yellow green one.  I also did not count on my Follistim only having 25 IU's left in my cartridge when one is expected to give themselves 175 units on a nightly basis.  So tonight instead of two injections I was required to do 3.  I'm telling you by the time I inject that Ovidrel I'm going to be able to connect the dots on my belly and make a very interesting abstract piece of art work.

I've Got Some News For You....

"I"m pregnant..."

Not me of course.  Hell I had to look at the calendar to actually remember what cycle day I am on.  Cycle day 9 if any one really wants to know.  I really loose track at this point as I go for blood letting on a daily basis now and its become rather monotonous.

Anyway...my husband has been estranged from his family for a year.  It was completely by his choice, and for good reason but it always bothered me.  So I asked him if he wanted me to send his parents a Christmas card.  When he agreed I did, and I then gave them his cell phone number.  His mother called on Tuesday and left a voice mail.  His sister called tonight.  His unmarried, unemployed, I've had my car repossessed sister who tells him "I've got some news for you..."  As he relayed to me he knew what the news was before the words escaped her lips.

He told her he was happy for her if this is what she wants--he also found out that she is 16 weeks along and due in May.

Me, I'm rather numb.  I have come a long way in regard to pregnancy announcements.  My own sister was in the same boat as my hubby's sister when she announced she was pregnant, minus the repossession of course.  My reaction was to cry, wail and beg for death.  With her second baby I lied and told her how happy I was for her, and that no I didn't wish it were me at all. With this baby--a baby that I'm only connected too by marriage I'm numb against.

As I told my hubby--he has some decisions to make in how he is going to be with his family before we even cross the bridge of how I'm expected to handle being an aunt by marriage.  As he pointed out he has 5 months before either become a real pressing issue.  Of course by then I know we're both hoping that we have some news of our own...

Two Years...It Should Be Your Birthday...

You should be two today.  Well probably not today, I'm going to wager a guess that I would have been induced two weeks prior to your due date given my history but I will never know.  Instead April 8th and December 15th are your days.  April 8th we confirmed your existence with a home pregnancy test.  Mommy was so excited, while Daddy was a bit pale.  On the 9th the nurse called and confirmed what the pregnancy test had already told me, I was indeed with child.  On that day we gave you your name-we were certain you would be a boy.

If you had arrived on your due date you would have shared a birthday with your Aunt, and you would have been a Sagittarius. 

Today you would be 2.  We would have picked you up from day care and swooped you into our arms.  We would have made you your favorite dinner-but what would it be?  Would you have been a picky eater, or one who eats anything and everything like your cousin TC?  I think we would have done cup cakes instead of a big cake.  Mommy finds herself very tired after work--so much so that she hasn't been to her water aerobics class at all again this week. 

Today we would have watched you open a few presents, and encouraged you to talk to your grand parents on the phone when they called to wish you a happy day.

Instead this morning as I stood in the shower I thought of you, and was grateful that if you can't be here with me that you're in heaven with a cousin who never got to walk on this Earth and all four of your Great Grandparents. 

Later this morning I was prodded and assured that while I screwed up the other day that I haven't totally messed up any hopes of having another baby.  I may have delayed my trigger , but didn't completely ruin the cycle.  

Tonight I continued to inject my belly with FSH in the hopes that we will maybe get lucky again. I'm hoping so for not unlike the cycle when we conceived you I'm very mellow.  Just like with your cycle I am not staring at the clock, and I'm not counting down the days until my potential trigger shot, ovulation, or insemination.  Instead I'm thinking "this isn't going to work so don't get yourself in a tizzy"  I believe that this is your gift to me, the gift of calm and heaven knows I need it.

Little guy, I think of you always but even more so today--on what should have been your birthday.  You never blessed us with your physical presence but your essence will never be forgotten.  I love you. 

Love Mommy

I Forgot...Oh No!!!

I had a horrible afternoon at work yesterday.  I finally had it with the work bully and told her off.  Ironically it was my boss who made her apologize to me because she bullied him too and he is the boss!  This woman has been sent to anger management class but obviously that didn't work.  So I left there calmly, but the underlying frustration remained...so much so that when I went to bed at 9:15 that I had done so without giving myself my FSH!

I have forgotten for a few hours before but NEVER completely forgotten the entire process!

Worse, I didn't even remember when my husband woke up at 3 a.m. with his nightly coughing fit when his Nyquil wore off thus starting his cold up again.  Nope I didn't remember until I had gotten up, took the puppy out to urninate, and then came in to take a shower.  Only then did I break into a sweat and start to panic.  SERIOUSLY WHO DOES THIS? 

I've already got a call in to the nurse--do I skip the shot?  Do I double up tonight?  Did I completely screw up this cycle?  Granted this was only the 4th day of injections and I go in tomorrow for a peak a boo...but still when would it be worse?  When they are getting the message to grow, or when they are in their finishing phase?  I'm telling you if this cycle fails the bully is going to think my telling her off over passing the buck is going to look like a friendly tea party!

All I Want For Christmas....

 

Despite the rough two days we have had with our fur baby we decided to brave the elements and go to see Santa.  Our local mall sponsored a 2 hour event where you could bring any pet (apparently Santa posed with 5 rats last week) and have his or her photo taken with Santa.  Bentley apparently believes that she is an 80 pound lab as she much prefered the big dogs while running away from the 12 pound Yorkie who was in line in front of us.  We had so much fun in line with other puppy owners and their pets.

Bentley I must say was the star of the show as people continually asked what kind of pup she was, how old she was, could they take her home, and would I mind if they held; pet; or took a photo of her.  I said sure to all.  She really hasn't had an opportunity to socialize, and this was the perfect opportunity to see how she would react.

She neglected to tell the big guy that she disemboweled her Rudolph chew toy last weekend so she was the recipient of a carob covered dog bone. 

*Disclaimer*

This isn't her professional $17 photo, but one that I snapped "just in case"  it didn't go so well...

Puppy Angst...

Three weeks ago we brought home our adorable fur ball.  We raved about how good she is.

This weekend she has completely reverted to a tiny terror. 

Week 1 she had THREE accidents in 7 days.

This weekend in two days she has had FOUR.  Even though we are diligent in making sure that she is taken outside every hour she continues to test our patience.

The poor cat hasn't been able to have free rein all weekend because said little puppy has decided that terrorizing her is top priority.  The poor cat is 8 years old, all she wants to do is curl up in a ball and sit on someones lap.  She does not want a 3 1/2 pound hair ball to chase her whenever the mood strikes her.

This morning took the cake.  We're crate training until she decided that she can be trusted not to eat the Christmas tree, chew the grape vine rocking chair, pee on the carpet etc.  At night she is put to bed with her beloved candy cane chew toy-and her blanket.  She sleeps from 10:30-6 a.m.  this has not been deviated from until today that is.  At 5:45 I hear whining outside our bedroom door.  Unusual I thought since her crate is in the living room, but then I discovered why--she had UNZIPPED her crate, crawled under under the blanket we cover said crate with and found our bedroom in the dark.  She was oh so pleased with herself until she discovered that not only is it cold today but that is also raining.

Which leads me to another issue--it's raining so guess who refuses to try to go potty outside...you know because its wet, and she doesn't like being wet...sigh.

I keep thinking if a puppy is this hard imagine how difficult the baby is going to be!  Of course the baby won't be able to escape from his or her crib until he or she is able to stand up on their own...

So It Begins...and Being DONE!!!

Today was an exceptionally busy day before, during, and after working hours.

It's cycle day three and we all know what that means.  The poking and prodding has begun.  I keep watching the minutes tick away until the appointed hour when I will inject myself with egg promoting FSH. 

During work we were crazy for the 7 hours that I was required to focus.  For one additional hour two co-workers and I enjoyed an Italian lunch.  Of course my mind was else where during those 60 minutes and I remember little if any of the conversation that was had around me.  Still it was nice to get away from the bustle that is my working day.

Immediately after work I headed to the local shopping complex less than a mile from home and completed my hubby's Christmas shopping.  He very much wanted an Ipod touch, and well he got one.  He is going to be SO excited.  He mentioned awhile ago that he too would like a basket ball so that he could shot hoops.  In my brilliance knowing that he would recognize the shape of the Ipod touch alone or in a different box I ended up taping it to the top of the basketball box.  I put the box on top of all of that and hope that he will be none the wiser.  I way over spent this year, but I figure that its an event that only comes once a year and we did get our bonuses today...so what the heck!

So now, with the exception of finishing my Christmas cards--which are also home made I'm done and it feels great.  Of course now the real craziness begins for in 28 minutes I have to stab my tummy and hope that in 4 weeks that I will be telling you guys that I'm pregnant!!

Surprise!!!

You may totally disregard yesterdays post regarding the two day wait.  It's out of date less than 13 hours after I hit publish.

Out of date for today is cycle day 1.  Yup, I am early.  This happens quite often, I get a 22 day cycle while on Provera.  According to my instructions I am to take the Provera from CD 16 until CD 25 so that I will have that mythical 28 day cycle.  We have chosen the Provera route because I have difficulty on the pill, but alas Provera truly can't be counted on to make this stubborn body of mine cooperate.

I was nervous enough about the start of this next cycle.  This is very likely the last one, unless the billing department at the RE's office can assure me that my injectable coverage will not be an issue.  Then I said a prayer last night regarding a pregnancy, and then dreamed of positive pregnancy tests, c-sections, and lost babies.  This is not what I meant when I asked for a sign.  So I'm guessing the surprise of an early AF is just what I did request no???

2 Day Wait...And Other Count Downs...

Tonight and tomorrow mark the final 2 provera pills that I must consume. 

I can't say that this comes a moment too soon.  I've been cranky, I've been hormonal, I've been an absolute horrendous wife.  Even something as simple as home made Christmas cards wasn't enough to pull me out of the drudgery that is Provera.

Two more pills then its over!  Two more pills and then a three day wait.  Five days till AF will be here.  Eight days until I will be on CD 3.  Eight days until my EDD with our baby AJ.  Eight days until I will be on the table being wanded.

I'm off to my water aerobics class and then I'm off to do some Christmas shopping.  I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I was given an unexpected credit limit increase on one of my credit cards AND I found out that our Christmas bonus is being given on Friday.  So I'm going to stop wailing about how hormonal I am.  I'm going to stop wailing about how much I hate December.  I'm going to stop being mad at the puppy who peed on my floor.  I'm going to enjoy this happy time.  I'm going to enjoy the next two days and all of those who follow.

I would like to say I have a good feeling about this upcoming cycle...but you know what, I'm refraining from all of that.  Instead I'm going to take it one day...or in this case two days at a time...but hey whose counting?

Crying Over Spilled Soda...

Today was going swimmingly.

My hubby worked this morning to add to his over time bank.  I had a girlfriend and her 2 year old daughter come over for a photo shoot-she needed an inexpensive gift for her husband who is a "99er"  and she likes my photography.  I threw hot sausage and meat balls in the crock pot and even started making my hand made Christmas cards for the year.

Then it happened.  I was sitting on the couch with hubby once he got home and managed to spill a glass of Diet Dr. Pepper on me, him, the couch and more importantly my laptop.

I immediately jumped up for paper towels instead of shutting the computer down and that is likely where I made my error.  Liquid managed to get to the mother board and fried it. 

"I've already spent enough money on your Christmas gifts..."  My husband advised me when I asked if we could replace it.  He has offered to transfer my data from my hard drive which is likely undamaged to his computer but as far as having ease of movement and privacy well that is all gone.

I spent 30 minutes in tears as I tried to take my laptop apart-not that it would do any good. 

After Thursday I thought that I could catch up hormonally and that not every little thing would set me off, but this did.  I once again feel vulnerable, and out of sorts.  I should be grateful, my husband bought me a car three weeks ago.  Its used, but its mine.  I can't then be ungrateful and demand that he plunk down $400 on a laptop just so I can blog in private...but that doesn't mean I can't cry over it.

I hate December...have I mentioned that?

Hormonal Much?

I am seriously feeling overwhelmed tonight.

At first I couldn't explain it.

I had a pretty good day at work.  Then I came home...

I stepped in dog poop-obviously it belonged to a dog far larger than the little bits our puppy produces.  Of course this was done unknowingly so I tracked dog poop through my entry way, into the dining room, through the hall and into our bedroom before taking them off--at which time I still hadn't realized I had done it.  No that didn't come until my husband yelled "Did you step in dog shit?"  while i was in the bathroom.  "I don't know I"m in bare feet and in the bathroom"  Alas when I checked my boot sure enough the evidence indicted me, I had indeed stepped in dog poop.  Out came the steam cleaner and my mood.  I needed to go to the grocery store, bake a cake, and try to get to my water aerobics class--oh and at some point eat dinner.  In no particular order.  My husband offered to clean the carpet, but no I had to play the martyr.  I steam cleaned every inch and more that I had tracked up.

When that was done I started the cake, and set the timer and then I headed to the grocery store.

Upon my return home I discovered that while the dog attempted to urinate on her puppy pad she did so on the edge and ultimately got urine on the tile.  This was when I discovered that I was missing the paper towels that were part of my $70 "quick trip" to the store.  Immediately I yelled at my husband about how frustrated I was and how overwhelmed I was feeling.  Of course I then yelled because he wouldn't go back to the grocery store to retrieve my missing paper towels.

Second trip to the grocery store I secure my paper towels and growled at the Salvation Army bell ringers who wished me a Merry Christmas.  I didn't even bother buckle my seat belt nor did I show courtesy to the driver in front of me by giving them at least 3 feet of personal space between my vehicle and theirs.   When I got home I apologized for being so nasty and proceeded to thank my hubby for unpacking the backs.  This all went to hell when I said "Where is the frosting?"  He looked at me crossed eyed "Frosting?  There wasn't any frosting and you forgot my grapes too"  according to my receipt I didn't.  So he checked and marked off the items that we were missing.  Of course this time I really went off the deep end and added some tears to my ultimate frustration.

My third trip I was successful, I found the items that were missing, and was able to finally complete the circuit.  I apologized again to my long suffering husband and then proceeded cry again just because I could.  I never did make it to the gym, and the cake is still not done...but I am bound and determine that by the time I go to bed that I will have completed my sweet treat for work tomorrow...which TGIF because if I had to put in any more time I would so go further off the deep end...

CD 16, AKA Day 1 of Provera...

Today marks day 16 of a nothing cycle.  Heck, even if I have ovulated--insert laugh track here--I can't tell you the last time my husband and I were intimate.  We're doing great relationship wise but we're both busy.  He's been going into work early and coming home late with the exception of today when he went in early and left on time.  Of course when I got home I loaded the dishwasher, played with the puppy, and then immediately after cooking and eating headed over to my water aerobics class.  Alright, back to the original topic...which was not to outline my day...

I'm on CD 16 which marks day 1 of Provera.  I will take it until cycle day 25.  Now in an ideal cycle this means I will start my period on Cd 28.  Now when I first started taking Provera that is exactly what happened.  Of course by the second cycle I started my period on CD 25 even as I took my little white pill religiously.  So why is this important this go around?

Well, should all go well then my CD 3 will be 12/15.  That date is significant as it was my due date for our baby boy in 2008.  I find it remarkable that two years would have passed since his birth.  I know that likely he would actually have been born on the 1st or 2nd of December as I have elevated sugar levels--not quite high enough for type 2 diabetes, but not low enough to be considered normal.  So when I got pregnant and was told my due date the doctor said "but don't expect to go that long, we will likely induce you two weeks early."  Still, since our little guy didn't make it even to the month of December I still hold the 15th for him.

I try not to look into "signs" but I can't help but hope that maybe just maybe given that this will be our last cycle that perhaps our baby is looking down on us and is whispering in Gods ear that its time...Of course on the flip side my FSH could be well over 30, and my antral follicle well below 10...and then it won't matter what the date...but for now lets not worry about any of that...instead cheers as I tip my glass of water and swallow the first of 10 little white pills that hold the key to starting my next period!

I'm A Fraud...A Fake...A Phony...

How was that for an attention grabbing headline?

I feel as if I'm all of the above.  I have not told anyone that we've stepped on the gas and are hurling towards the end of our infertility journey.  They, being friends and family think that we crossed that line a long time ago.  I only found out about the changes to our insurance from a friend who works in the medical field.  Her email began with "I know you haven't thought about infertility  in a long time but if you are interested..."  I read the memo from our insurance company with rapt attention.  The next day when she asked if I had received it I simply said yes and moved on.  I'm a fake.  I was devastated when I read the changes coming to injectable medications as it pertains to infertility treatments.  Grateful however was I also when a few weeks later our insurance liaison gave us the same speech as what was laid out in the original memo.

My family doesn't ask any more.  Not that they were all that supportive when they did know.  Unlike my other two sisters who experienced either secondary or primary infertility that they were able to over come naturally I was deemed the "dramatic one"  who needed to "just relax" and to stop talking about it.  Now that I have they simply don't even acknowledge it.  My sisters birthday isn't remembered as my due date also, but just her birthday.  Thanks family.

It's a shame that I feel the need to live this double life.  I wind up in the hospital with OHSS and instead of sharing that I tell them that it was ovarian cysts.  My period comes after another BFN, and instead of being able to mourn that I have to celebrate some one's BFP without any glimmer of disappointment from me. 

December 15th this year will bring with it my final CD 3 and yet the only people who will know about it are those who read this blog, my doctor, my husband, and me.  Isn't that pitiful...

Life As A (Puppy) Mom...

7 Weeks Old

Yesterday morning before the sun rose my nephew and I headed north to pick up the latest furry addition to my family. My hubby had planned to go with me, but having been given the option of collecting 6 more hours of over time was far more appealing. We drove through falling temperatures and blowing snow for two hours before we arrived at the appointed patch of glass where my puppy lived.

Her former mother looked like she was ready to cry when she handed me both a bag of food, and the tiniest puppy that I have ever seen. In turn with seat belts fastened, and engine turning this tiny little puppy cried, almost knowing that she was now stripped of the comfort of her real mom, having watched bother her brother and sister go the very day before.

On the way home we stopped at the pet store-needing a much smaller collar than I had originally purchased. My nephew wanted to add a bag of "designer diapers" to our purchases, but I convinced him that when he was called on to puppy sit that he would be much more appreciative of a potty trained pup than one who wore pink diapers with snow flakes on them.

Potty training started off badly. Bentley immediately urinated on my sisters rug despite being out on the lawn for almost 20 minutes with my nephew. Here at home she seems to not enjoy the potty pads, and would much rather be taken out on her leash even though she vocally dislikes her collar. Of course that only applies to her urination-we've come up with an alternative for her #2 needs--we've set up her potty pads in an old laundry basket that is made of plastic. When she begins to show the need to go to the bathroom we go outside, and 10 of 10 times she will urinate but when she fails to #2 she comes in and spends some time in the laundry basket. So far we have only had one accident for both #1 and #2 and they were her humans fault. She clearly exhibited want and need, and both times I missed those signs.

Sleeping and anxiety issues are also reminiscent of having a human baby-not that I have had that biological experience but have taken any one of my 5 nieces or nephews from ages 6 weeks on for any given number of days and those experiences were exhausting at that age. Much like them Bentley awoke at 2, and then again at 4 and like most babies decided that 4 a.m. was the perfect time to play.

As for her toys, she has decided that her big sisters-the cat are far more interesting and appropriate chew toys than her own. Of course she doesn't quite realize that the cat doesn't like her for various other reasons so for right now I'm letting them pick their battles and as long as the cat doesn't mind that her mouse now belongs to the dog...well then why should I?

The Voice In My Head...

I'm trying, though not very well to find my voice in blog land and I'm finding it to be very difficult.

When I started I was certain that I would focus on my empty womb and my various work outs. Instead I find that I ramble on with no true focus, and no true way to relate those two topics to anyone else out there.

The blogs that I read all seem to have a common recurring theme that propels the writers individual story on a daily basis. In turn their followers comment in regards to how that days story pertains to their existence which in turn is written about on their blog. Me I seem to have neither.

Perhaps mine is a journey that doesn't need to be blogged about? Or perhaps I simply need to focus and figure out what it is I want to blog about? Or perhaps like the idea of decorating for Christmas it is something I want to do, but really have no interest in actually organizing enough to get er' done...

She Wants A Bra For Christmas...Oh So Thankful...

Why am is my title on the day before Thanksgiving about a Christmas wish?

At work yesterday they hung copies of three giving trees. One in accounting, one in the kitchen, and one in the kitchen. On each hangs 5-10 tags with green ribbon. On those tags is a request from a young man or woman who is between the age of 15-17. These children middle year teens live in a group home for foster children who don't have even a temporary home. Thus they were charged with writing down their one please note ONE Christmas wish on a tag and that tag was sent to us.

Yesterday I looked through the requests on the kitchen tree. One young man wanted a foot ball, another wanted very specific tennis shoes, and yet another requested a Taco Bell gift card. "I will get one of these another day" I told my cynical self. Taco Bell for Christmas really? Of course not realizing that what I take for granted as I drive to work daily is a true treat for this young man. Yet when I pulled the tag I chose this morning I didn't choose that one. Instead my eye caught a tag written by a 16 year old young lady, and her WISH broke my heart.

I remember being 16 and asking for a new book, or sweater, or a CD or two but never would I wish to receive what this girl asked for. Her request was for a Bra, and she listed her size 36DD. Her request broke my heart for its such a simple NEED that I also take for granted. In my drawer on any given day are 6 bras for me to choose from and another 3 to wear to the gym at night. Yet this young girl likely only has one, and even that is a maybe.

I pulled her tag and decided that not only will I buy her the requested bra, but I'm also going to buy her something fun. Perhaps a good book to read, or a a gift card to a store that would appeal to her age. Not because she asked but because I'm so blessed and oh so thankful. We weren't rich by any means but we don't want for basic needs as does this girl.

Tomorrow we will break bread with our family. Tomorrow night I will cuddle with my niece who will join me for our annual Black Friday pilgrimage to the mall. Tomorrow as I should be every day I will be grateful that my name has never appeared on a giving tree, nor have I ever had to ask for a basic necessity such as a bra for Christmas...

Have a happy, safe, and full holiday with your families tomorrow and remember to look around the table that we have much to be thankful for.

Back In The Water...

Today was a busy beginning to a very short week.

Tomorrow will likely be my final full day at work, though not my last for the week just the final full one. Ah yes there are rumors of early dismissal on Wednesday. Early dismissal, I sound like an elementary school student when it snows.

Work was its normal 8 hours of fun. I quickly glanced at the calendar and realized that on December 1st I need to start my 10 day regimen of Provera in preparation of our next cycle. Just like the day those 10 days will be here and gone before I know they even started!

After work I quickly changed out of my suit pants and blouse and into a more appropriate suit for the pool. One hour later I was sufficiently worked over and out. My back ached, and my arms felt like jelly but I was so glad to be back. I didn't realize how much I missed the hour to decompress, and just have a ball splashing around.

No pun intended, but God willing and the water don't rise I will be able to dedicate enough time to the class so that I won't gain weight this holiday season! Of course that means that I will have to stop after 1 piece of pie instead of the whole thing on Thursday...

A Change of Scenery

December brings with it a myriad of emotions for me as with it comes the 2 year anniversary of our unfulfilled due date. It's hard to believe that we would have a 2 year old toddler had I carried to term.

The first year we holed up in our homey abode. There were no stockings hung by the chimney, no Christmas tree permeating the air with scents of pine, and no Christmas cards sent. We did go through the motions, we went to my parents and his and exchanged gifts with the then numbering 4 nieces and nephews. Last year we bought the tree, and hung the stockings but a part of me still had no desire to really celebrate the birth of a child over 2000 years ago. Then I had a change of heart-it suddenly melted and I realized how blessed I am. No we weren't celebrating a first birthday but we were celebrating life and it was lovely.

This year its staring quite the same. I'm missing our baby boy, but I'm trying not to be melancholy about it. Instead I'm going to spend the weekend of our EDD in DC. Just two days away-a quick change of scenery and I can't wait. Of course we've already calculated the possible cycle days and where I will be. It seems that on my due date I will be CD 3, and I will be in the stirrups getting a lay of the land, looking at the internally scenery. Then I'm off...I'm going to spend two days the week before Christmas taking in DC in the snow, and I can't wait.

My husband? He's staying home w/the puppy who will still be fairly little...but me, I'm going to make his a yearly tradition--I'm going to celebrate what could have been instead of lamenting it.

Random...

Well here I sit CD 2. Sigh. That means I pulled a whopping 11 day LP. Blah.

We're off this month which I expected as is my norm. So this means we have ONE cycle that remains before our insurance changes. Adding insult to injury NO injections unless they are given by a doctor in his/her office, and the co pay has gone up by $20 an injection. At that rate I can't afford it. Hopefully the puppy will fill some void when she comes home in a week and a half!

The puppy is coming home in a week and a half! A co-worker said "I'm surprised you're not talking about it 24-7" I answered the way I would if I were pregnant "Well I want to make sure everything is OK before I let my guard down. I want to be holding her in my arms before I really let it sink in" WOW...that speaks volumes.

I got a "new" car. An old new car. I have a love of Neon's and well my hubby found me one that is perfect. Its a 98', and in excellent condition. It only has 115K miles on it, and is in excellent condition--I think it runs better than her big sister who is 10 years younger. Sure I will be jealous when my husband trades "his car" in on a 2011 beauty, but hey I love Neons!!

With AF here I still can't get back to my water aerobics class, and that bums me out...but soon I hope! Soon!!! If nothing else I can be sure I will be walking the dog around the block soon!

Lack of Understanding...

AF will be here today. No implantation dip for me. I know that yesterday I was so completely stoic and accepting of my fate but today as I sit here in the darkness of the early morning I find myself frustrated and angry.

EVERYTHING was perfect.

Timing was dead on.

Cervical mucus was as egg white and copious as I have EVER seen it.

Egg production was beautiful.

Tadpoles in place.

I believe in God, but I won't ever call myself religious. I can't quote scripture like others do to get them through this. I do pray at night, and let me tell you that last nights prayer was angry. I just will never understand how the high school kids who get caught with their pants down wind up pregnant the very "first time". I will never understand how the drug user who doesn't know who the father could be winds up pregnant not once but a bunch of times. I will never understand why the one who goes through three IVF's only to become pregnant with twins looses them to a genetic abnormality. I will never understand how it was that we were allowed this miracle of pregnancy ourselves--a teaser pregnancy--only to have it taken away and to never be able to experience it again ourselves.

Perhaps I should contact Kate, or Octo(mom) to see how it is that they were able to have such great success multiple times and I have to continue to fuss and fight for just one more...

Acceptance...

I've accepted that we're not pregnant this cycle. Sigh. That means there are only two left before the change to our insurance could possibly preclude any additional attempts.

My temp dropped a whole .05 point--AF is on her way.

I'm cramping something fierce--AF is on her way.

My painful breast are now soft, and pain free--AF is on her way.

I've accepted this, and will move on as always. I'm hoping that given my PCOS status that we do not have to take a cycle off, but I'm not totally convinced that we won't. I've only ever had ONE back to back cycle and that was in the days of Femera mixed with a light dose of Follistim. So I'm not overtly hopeful. I've accepted this as my fate as well.

IF we do have to take next month off I plan on completing the remainder of my NON emergent dental work. I'm going to get my crown place, and a cleaning completed. Then hopefully we will have a successful next time with NO dental or medical emergencies that occur at 3 days post ovulation.

And yes...the irony of the following is not lost on me--the abscess started the day after I ovulated, and it ended the day before my period will start. The hygienist agreed that the abscess was very likely perpetuated by hormones. Sigh.

I will say I'm ubber excited to get back to my water aerobics class too. Missing a week and a half was never in my plan--I had intended to relieve OHSS, and any resulting PMS by being the water...but again...the best laid plans...I guess I need to be more accepting of those failing too....

Thats A Negative...

My temperature is flat at 98.4

I'm cramping. My bbs are weird. Encased in fabric and supported by metal they grow larger and heavier. Once released they breathe a sigh of relief and return to their normal selves. I am waking in the middle of the night and I do go to the bathroom while I'm up HOWEVER I'm not certain that I'm up because my tooth hurts OR because I have to urinate. I guess I will find out tonight after said problem tooth is removed.

Anyway...just because I wanted to be able to see if something might be going on in there I wanted to see if we could find out. Well there was nothing to see here folks. I peed on the Answer Early that promises you that at 9 DPO you can have a definitive answer (no pun intended) and then laid it down and got in the shower. As I doused myself under the warm stream I repeated "it's early even if its negative that doesn't mean anything" Of course when I was holding the virgin white save for one pink line stick in my hand all of that logic went out the window. Instead I said "shoot I'm not pregnant but at least I can have good drugs tonight!"

Sigh. I guess next Wednesday we will know for sure...sigh.

Nervous...

I'm 7 dpo today.

One moment I think with great certainty that YES we did it, I'm pregnant! Then in the next moment I think with equally great certainty that NO we did NOT do it I'm positively NOT pregnant.

Of course I have taken more pain meds than the average bear for my excruciatingly painful tooth. I don't think the antibiotics are touching the infection despite my diligence in taking my antibiotic on the ever 6 hour routine as prescribed. I was however able to move my appointment from next Wednesday for extraction to tomorrow which is where the nerves come in.

If I had been able to wait until Wednesday I would know with definitiveness if the science experiment worked or not. However I'm so miserable and do not believe that the antibiotic is working. Solution? We need to get the tooth out, and it needs to come out now pregnant or not.

For the moment I'm attempting to be nervous about one issue at a time, and right now since the only outcome I can control is that of my tooth...well that's what I will worry about. For after tomorrow I will have an additional 5 days to be nervous about the state of my uterus...

De Pain...De Pain...

I haven't bothered to step on a scale in forever. I haven't been to the gym since Tuesday or Wednesday of last week. First I didn't want to mess anything up after the science experiment. Then on Saturday I woke up with a horrific pain in the roof of my mouth. If I laid down it hurt worse, if I ate it hurt worse than that. Today I found myself in the dentists chair.

"I could be pregnant" I explained. Granted very early, but still I could be and they took that very seriously. The hygienist offered to "double cover me" just in case but I told her I didn't think that was necessary. Lets be completely honest I ovulated on Thursday so I'm 4 days post ovulate if I am pregnant the embryo, or would it be considered a blast at this point, I don't know...anyway, if I am destined to be pregnant nothing is really going on there yet...

Still they prescribed Keflex which is safe during pregnancy, or as safe as it can be during pregnancy. Then next Thursday--BETA day I'm having a tooth pulled. At least by then the pain and swelling will be gone...from my mouth anyway.

As for the rest of me my breasts are KILLING ME. I'm 100% certain that its from the Ovidrel.

I've also started cramping.

Of course I suppose I should be glad that when I take Tylenol that my boobs still hurt and all but I'm realistic...its very likely the shot...of course if I completely believe that then why did I buy a dual pack of Answer pregnancy tests?

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise...

I woke with fear today. I was certain that I had already ovulated. The pain in my Left ovary certainly was ovulation. I checked my cervix. It was LOW, it was HARD, and it was CLOSED. Not only wasn't I ovulating today but I had missed my window completely. If I could have thrown myself back under the covers and cried I would have, but instead I got up and got dressed and headed out to the office.

At 8:15 I headed to the bathroom and that is when it started. There on the TP was a copious amount of yellowish blood tinged EWCM. Shortly after that the cramping in my RIGHT ovary started. It was 39 hours after my trigger shot, and as the survey says--36-40 hours later you will ovulate. Of course I wouldn't rest until I knew for sure, and a quick peak says...ovulating.
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Tonight I ran to the grocery store, having skipped my water aerobics class for obvious reasons and per the norm I got register coupons. I got 5 coupons-one for each item I purchased. Mind you NONE of them had anything to do with babies yet the coupon on top was for a container of formula. I didn't bother to look at the expiration date, but it made me smile. Baby formula coupons.

I'm pregnant until proven otherwise folks, and I couldn't be happier!

Suddenly...

Suddenly I'm nervous.

I am fairly sure that I ovulated on Monday-the day before my ovidrel injection. My E2 was very high, my eggs nice and plump at 16 mm on Saturday. 20's on Monday??? I had a TON of EWCM on both Sunday and Monday. Today NONE. I have no pain of impending ovulation, and my nipples hurt. Why even in the pool during my water aerobics class when I willed my ovaries to elicit some pain, some kind of cramping I could yield none. When I checked my cervix it feels low, hard, and the CM is all but gone. Suddenly...I'm nervous.

If the insurance company changes our coverage drastically then I'm down to two cycles left. TWO. That's not a lot of chances to make a baby.

Suddenly I'm nervous. Suddenly the fact that I want to believe myself pregnant isn't as illuminating as it once was. Suddenly...I want this cycle to be over...its conclusion drawn...suddenly I don't think myself capable of getting through a 2ww...

They Say It's My Birthday (and Trigger Day)

I'm handling 36 far better than 35. I'm not certain why...well yes I am. It's because we had drawn the "official" line in the sand of TTC at 35 and to me that was the death knell. I had miscarried in 2008, and that meant I only had approximately 15 months to "get er done" but alas that didn't happen and as such the line got moved. I'm almost inclined to move it even more after hearing the following stories--

My grandmother (mom's mom) was 38 when she had my mom--10 years between she and my uncle. Infertile much? Of course when those questions are asked they go unanswered. Sigh.

My mom's 92 year old teacher whom joins us for family dinners periodically--Her brothers were 19 and 20 when her mother gave birth to her 2 weeks before her 45th birthday! Yes my eyes got wide on that one!

A facebook friend whom I babysat for--had long given up the notion that she would get pregnant--on her 40th birthday discovers that she is pregnant with her one and only daughter (not knowing at that juncture if she really wanted to be pregnant).

So who was I to worry about doctors abject advice that 35 is "advanced maternal age" Seriously. I'm not suggesting that one should purposely wait until 35 to begin their family if they can avoid it, but who says one should still try at 35? Not me!

So today...my plans are these...go to work..urgh, go to my aerobics class, at 7 p.m. trigger for ovulation!!! Then go to a lovely Spaghetti dinner at my favorite NON CHAIN Italian restaurant. I can almost taste the sour dough bread that they bring on a paddle complete with sour cream butter. Yum!

National Blog Posting Month

I'm not sure if I signed up correctly or not but I'm going to pretend like I did. 

While I've seen the thirty posts in thirty days with "questions" to answer I don't think that this is what that is.  Again, I could be wrong but again I'm going to pretend like I'm not.  All I know is that I'm supposed to post every day for thirty days, and I suppose I can handle that.

I'm skipping my wet work out tonight. There are a few reasons. First work is a nightmare. I seriously wish I was independently wealthy and could walk away. Our department of 8 has been cut in half since May. Our workload however has increased by 66% on a daily basis. Secondly my ovary-yes singular-the one on the left specifically is quite uncomfortable. This makes perfect sense as that is where the bulk of my 6 follicles are. My fear is OHSS given that even when briefly pregnant I never had ovarian pain!

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday, along with trigger day. GULP. I'm nervous about both. If I become pregnant then I will have ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE plastered across my medical chart. They will certainly request that we proceed with amniocentesis, chronic villa sampling, and other tests that I am 100% not interested in undergoing. Alternately if I don't become pregnant we're all the closer to the day when our insurance no longer covers our meds. Sigh.

Tomorrow being my birthday I will be at work. Ugh. Then I am going to my water aerobics class providing my ovaries haven't exited my body through my belly button. Following that my hubby plans on taking me to an Italian dinner complete with Spumoni sundae...so no excuses I must get to my water aerobics class...I must I must...I must!

Until then I bid you a fond NaBloPoMo!

Almost Done!

I'm so very excited that on Tuesday which just so happens to be my 36th birthday that I get to trigger my eggs to ovulate! Of course I'm also a little nervous...the last time a trigger shot coincided with a special date on the calendar so did my pregnancy test...and well that pregnancy didn't quite end the way we had hoped for, but I can't think about that!

Actually I'm surprised at just how mellow I am. There have been several evenings where I have looked at the clock and noted "it's 6:30" and gone back to what I've been doing. Then I will realize "It's 6:30!!! I have to inject my FSH!!!" This is another irony that occured during my last pregnancy. There were quite a few nights where I either forgot until hours later that I needed to inject myself. While I'm hoping that the outcome is the same in that I urinate on a stick and it become positive, I'm hoping that the outcome is different in that I'm celebrating a live baby at the end.

Of course I'm getting myself here, but I can't help it. While I'm exceptionally mellow I'm also thinking into the future here...and that is especially true since given the change to our health care coverage I'm almost done in more ways than one!

My Best Guess...

I've always known that at some point our infertility adventure would come to an end. Every journey does, I just guess I never thought about it coming to an end when our limited infertility coverage did. I guess I supposed that it would be on our terms. We would either be parents or we would simply have exhausted both our patience and our finances.

Certainly I do not know what the change in our medication coverage will mean. I hopeful that a doctor will be smart enough to realize that they are simply trying to circumvent "extra" medication floating around needlessly out there. My best guess is that the doctor would simply have the medication delivered to his/her office and the patient would take it home. Of course this is all a guess...and they could be wrong...

I'm hopeful still that we won't reach the end based on insurance, but you never know. I'm already feeling twinges in my ovaries from the growing follicles, and tonight I will give myself another injection of potential life growing medication.

I suppose I should stop worrying so much and just focus. There is a miracle out there...and who knows perhaps it could be mine!

In other news, we're getting closer to bringing Bentley home. I'm so excited. I actually feel like an expectant parent! There is so much to buy, and so much to do! Just like if i were pregnant...I guess.

Craptastic...

A friend of mine works for a doctors office and they received a bulletin from my insurance company. It appears that effective January 3, 2011 that they are no longer going to cover injectable medications such as Cetrotide, Ovidrel, Follistim, Gonal F and the like UNLESS they are to be injected by a physician at the office. Now OK, that is all fine and good-the way around that is that the physician will write the order and have it delivered to their office. Simple enough, but really truly you're now going to have doctors who see more dollar signs and want you to pay your $10, $20, or what ever co-pay you happen to have just to come in for an injection!

While I'm so hopeful that I do not need their services come January 3, 2011 what if I do? I can't afford a 12 day trip to the RE's office just to get a shot. Nor can I afford to purchase Follistim at pharmacy prices.

Of course it could all go to hell anyway and we could have different coverage all together--which is a possibility. Our company is visiting with differing insurance companies to determine where they can save the most money. Of course if either happens then we have literally TWO cycles in which to get pregnant...and if they fail then very realistically we're done TTC. I hate insurance companies!

I'm infertile which is just as devastating to me as if you said you had to cut off my right arm. The only difference between my miscarriages/infertility and loosing my arm is that I've gotten to be quite fond of my right arm!

25 Units...550 Calories...

My follistim shot HURT tonight. OUCH. It still burns as I write this. I'm thinking I hit a stretch mark or something. I have yet to check for blood, but I'm certain that if I did that I would pass out from the site. Ok, so I just checked and yup I hit a stretch mark OUCH. I'm a bit concerned that I'm not feeling any differently yet. I know, I'm only on CD 7, and hello we've only been stimulating for 5 nights. Actually concerned isn't even what I'm feeling, I'm feeling fairly mellow. I'm actually MORE excited at the prospect of bringing Bentley (our puppy) home next month!

Most women who are cycling (generalizing here) research egg quality, FSH count, IUI days, estimated due dates, and how many embryo's they need to get as best a shot at pregnancy as possible. Me, I'm researching crate training, the potty patch, and yes a bit about this breed with a baby...so I'm not a total loss as an infertility patient!

My work out tonight again was good. I don't think it was as effective as last nights, but I still feel the endorphins flowing! I'm actually STARVING now. I wasn't hungry when I got home, but now after burning 550 calories I'm hungry...and well since I'm trying to grow eggs that will potentially become one half of a very cute baby I better go feed this body.

Splish Splash...Day 2

I tried to find an excuse not to go the water aerobics class. I thought I was getting a headache, I thought I had a sore throat, I thought my period hadn't quite ended. Excuse after excuse but I went. I will admit I was more than self conscious in the locker room but that too was needless. If you're willing to let me see your cellulite then I should have no qualms you seeing mine. Still, I dressed and undressed with the finesse of any former band geek.

I was the youngest woman in the class, and that made me feel a bit self conscious at first, but one lady was very friendly so that put me at ease. She told me that the goal was resistance and that coordination would come with time. Boy I hope so because doing rocking horses is not a strong point for me but I tried! By the end of the hour I was certainly tired.

As for this being something I can do when I get pregnant I'm not so sure. Yes its a great low impact work out, but that is the only thing that is low intensity about it. So I shall go for as long as I can, and who knows maybe loose a pound or two along the way while making a new friend?

Day One...202 Pounds...And a Puppy...

Welcome to my blog!

Today was my first day back to the gym. In January I joined and managed to loose 27 pounds. In June when sperm + egg = embryos but no pregnancy my drive to continue on the weight loss path turned into a path heading for the cookie, ice cream, and candy isle at the grocery store. Of course my husband, like the slim quick commercial decides that he's going to loose weight and he does--60 pounds to be exact since the same time I stopped working out. Sigh. Anyway, we jointly decided at the same time that we should go back to the gym. Coincidentally my re-emergence at the gym is on cycle day 5 of a treatment cycle. Can we say glutton for punishment? I can almost guarantee that along with the lovely headache I had for two days that I will also be assured that I will "gain" 5 pounds by months end just because...

202 pounds-that was my weight today. I stood on the scale and almost cried. I've never been super model slim, but now I'm obese. Of course it's not the most ideal time to be trying to loose weight BUT I know from my last pregnancy that the gym and getting pregnant went hand in hand. I have my RE's blessing with the understanding that once ovulation induction has commenced that my training will need to be modified, and that I am NOT to go on a crash diet--IE NO Slim Fast, or Apple Cider Vinegar. I'm simply to cut my calories while still eating a balance of carbs, proteins and fats. I can handle this! Tomorrow I'm going to my first water aerobics class-the reason I've decided on this approach is because its something I'm hoping to be able to continue while pregnant!

And a puppy...my husband I have kicked around adding a puppy to our family. Him, not as much as me. He'd rather kick the puppy than bring one home--not that he would actually kick the puppy, no, he just isn't a puppy person. He loves cats, they are independent and tend not to chew ones shoes. Still he has given the go ahead and adopt a furry friend. Little did we know that adopting a puppy would be easier than a human baby...for after a few emails and a phone call we're set up to bring out baby home on the 25th of November.

So folks that was day one...I have no idea what days 2-365 will hold...but I can tell you that we will talk about fertility, weight, weight loss, marriage, and I'm sure...the puppy when she comes home too...